One Toque Over The Line

Here's My Resume....

2010-07-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

wow! Looks good...you've been cooking for 4 solid years and you were a Sous Chef?! Impressive!...so in other words, you never really learned how to do shit? Ahh..the glories of hiring from the new Food Network driven work force. Sold on the "glamorous " life of the celebrity chef and whatever the latest buzz terms..."farm to plate"..."nose to tail eating".."hand-crafted" .."insert indusry/societal catch phrase here"...without even the vaguest reality check of what cooking is. It's grueling, thankless hard work. I've heard it all, but when any of us interview prospective cooks, do we ever hear.."I do the best on principle. I push myself to be better, faster, tougher than the next guy because I like to see them crumble"? I want a cook to say.. "I LOVE working the line..I love the drama, the on the fly problem solving..the chaos." One in 11 are like that. They get it. The rest are lazy pussies. You've been in my kitchen a week and you don't know where the immersion blender is? Or what or where the masa is. You should have seen that when you walked through the kitchen. Not much on details eh? And just where the fuck are your knives "chef"? Cooking is your life, but you can't invest in the tools of the trade? Buying knives is one of the best parts of cooking!
I fear for the future of cooking. As I've mentioned before I'm sure, I like old school. Hard ass, bad ass, foul mouthed cooks who work like clockwork and take more pride in their actual skills, speed and techniques than they do on the whole Gestault of cooking. Cooks who see what's going on all around them and learn from that. Meat fab/charcuterie/pastry/pasta making/ stock making/sauce making...all these things go on around them every day and yet they still say..."I'm not learning anything"..well jump the fuck in and stop waiting for an invite! The desire and ability to cook isn't formed by waiting for someone to take you by your thin skinned hand and passively waiting for someone to slow down for you...it's formed by YOU saying fuck it! I can do that shit..seeing what your actually looking at and just doing it! Stepping yourself up to the speed with which things are being done!
I guess this "no child left behind" bullshit isn't relegated solely to cooking, it is in fact a sad reality of ALL professions. No...some children should left behind...some should have been thrown at the base of Mt. Olympus a birth.....but I guess all we can do is wish for the perfect world, where ambitionless, non-self starters are burned for kindling for the doers.

I'm baaaaaackkkkk

2010-02-19T21:10:00.000-08:00

come on slags, it's only been about 5 yrs!
Actually, just figured out how to get back on here. Worried though. I don't know if I'm as pissed as I used to be.
Give a minute to think about things.

More Stuff Coming

2005-06-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

Still alive, but working on a new project that is taking all my time. Oh, I'm still pissed. I think both knees are getting ready to go and other physical problems are starting to worry me as well as the realization that I physically can't keep working double shifts on a line for a whole lot longer. In short, my own mortality is haunting me. Working on finishing up a book and plans for a cookware/wine/food store. I also don't want to keep repeating the same rants over and over.
There are more coming though.

Here's a quick note of a future blog: Notice how freedom of speech is being stamped out? Yep..corporate America has enlisted system draining vermin lawyers to try to shut down blogs.
These fucking scum are destroying the entire world.

Hippity Hop For Jesus

2005-03-27T12:17:00.000-08:00

Here's a question. If this "god" is so benevolent, why does Easter Sunday brunch exist? The absolute distillation of the worst Sunday brunch crowd + 40 years. Cute little old ladies with one foot in the grave wearing revoltingly stupid hats. God fearing good Christian/ Catholic men in their best Sunday navy blue suits and ties, doing as they're told so god will keep their little secrets secret so they won't lose their inheritance or their country club golf buddies. My favorite are the bored teenagers who would all rather be getting high away from their families, and then munching out on chocolate later. People over the age of seven saying " Happy Easter". Ever walk into a dining room packed with old ladies in hats? If you close your eyes, you'll think you fell into a barrel of mothballs.
I have to admit, I care less about the food on Easter brunch than even Thanksgiving, but not less than Valentine's day. . The whole point of these traditional torture sessions is to mollify the traditional masses and slop it out we will. Half the portion, twice the price, ahhhh there's IS something redeeming in these swill fests.
Here's a link that expresses what I wish all Valentiners and Easter brunchers would make tradition. You might have to scroll down a bit.....you'll know the one.

http://suicidegirls.com/girls/Felony/

Good Cop/Bad Cop

2005-03-17T17:39:00.000-08:00

My Sous Chef of many years has moved to New York. I can't blame him as New York is the greatest dining city in the world. Paris you argue? Try getting 2 with chili, cheese and kraut and a Yoo-Hoo by the Thames . It ain't gonna happen Gus. He did his job above and beyond and always will. His talents will be missed and I wish him all the best. He was one of the "1 in50." Anyway this blog is about the unsung heroes of the restaurant kitchen. The Sous-Chef. For those of you lucky enough not to be raised by this business, the Sous Chef is the Chef's deputy. His right hand man. His lieutenant and nine times out of ten, his confidant. He executes the Chef's words and gets them into action at whatever the cost to himself or others. He will work circles around anybody on any station, better, faster and only thinking about what's next. The good ones anyway.
Just starting in my kitchen? I'm not gonna talk to you. Who's this piss ant? Not until you prove yourself. Nope, my Sous Chef will handle that. If you don't like how he talks to you, fuck off and die. He hurt your feelings? Good. I want him to. Who do you think you are? An individual? Oh please...you're either a asset or a liability to the pursuit of cuisine and if you have thin skin, you're a liability. I love hearing cooks whine about the Sous Chef. Awww....can you do as much as fast without question? Stop bitching about people with commitment, principles and pride.
The best one also possess the all important quality of clairvoyance. They know what you want before you ask for it. They finish your sentences and don't say.." You didn't say to..." I know. I thought it. I spoke to a colleague of mine who said he has to let the Sous Chef go because he's been there for 7 months and he can't finish his sentences yet. My question is, what took so long?
Bear this in mind when you want to cry about the Sous Chef. He's the barrier between you and me. You think he's an asshole? You haven't even seen shit. He's actually the good cop. Doesn't seem like it does it? My Sous Chefs operate at a consistent level of aggression. I operate at two levels; Controlled chaos and absolute psychotic rage . When I'm that pissed, I feel like killing you. I'm not joking.
Good Sous Chefs don't drop the ball. They don't question what you want, they just do it. They get it done. I am grateful to all my Sous Chefs over the years. They're all mean, rude, hyper and don't give a fuck about anything but the job to be done. I'd love to see them all get together and kick the shit out of Norman Rockwell.
You guys fucking rock. Keep up the good work and remember, if everyone hates you, you must be doing something right.

May The Force Not Be With You

2005-03-17T17:15:00.000-08:00

Hey here's a question that's been driving me nuts for about 10 years. Where the fuck is the work force? I'm serious. Have you seen the uncaring lot of cooks being pumped out? I mean what the fuck man? I'm sure this apathetic approach to what lazy, non ambitious people call "pointless careerism" ( like there's some stigma attached to pursuing a passion or career) has infested every business, but since I don't know every business, I'll stick to kitchens. Don't you like when you're working, and you can hear the crunch of an improperly sharpened knife across the kitchen? And this is square one! If you can't sharpen a knife, you can't cook! Why? Because cooking is principle. A minced shallot is not a hacked up shallot. If you don't do it perfectly (or at least try) every time on principle, you're pretty much worthless to any Chef worth a fuck. When you hear that fucking crunch, don't you just want to grab the offending "knife" and throw it in the trash with the great words of wisdom, "you're worthless". Of course what we normally do is snatch the knife away, feel the edge, shake our heads in disbelief and say.." so...what are you doing to my product, I mean...besides destroying it because you don't care or are too stupid to notice raggedy edges that aren't perfect?" Sniveling bunch of time wasters. Remember this future " Chefs", if you don't care about perfection, you suck. Why? Because you're satisfied with mediocrity and mediocrity is easy. There's no challenge. Another personal favorite is teaching station setup and specific dishes. Umm...where's your notepad? Oh, you're going to remember it all. Ok, cool.....don't ask how and don't fuck it up. We're all watching and waiting to say.."Why didn't you write it down dumb-ass?" My personal favorite is the blase look on their faces when you explain something. You know the look. The look of "Uh. This is soo boring...I'm sooo above this, but I can't work under pressure, or with precision or skill. Nor have I ever really cooked anything before......Look, I just want to be a Chef ok? I don't want to waste all my time on this "technique" bullshit." Ok Escoffier, do you think you could at least set your station up just CLOSE to sensibly?And keep it clean and tidy because you're a pig. You know what goes through your head when you get a fire call? All the shit all over your station.
My absolute favorite is..
" Why isn't this finished?"
" I didn't have enough time Chef."
" But you did this last week. You mean, you're not twice as fast this week?.So you don't push yourself?"..Wow. You really suck.
This new non-work force is really enthusiastic too. Really into the art/craft of cooking.
Welcome to Hell you non-ambitious lazy asses. Tony Bourdain summed it up in Kitchen Confidential when he said " A good line cook never shows up late, never calls in sick and works through pain and injury." 27 years in this business and I've been late 3 times. I've never missed a day of work. Ok one. A girl really pissed me off, so I got in my truck with my dog and a bottle of Wild Turkey , drove to North Carolina and had a fucking blast!
I had a crybaby tell me once, " I just don't know if I'm doing good." What are you? A fucking puppy?..Good boy, here's a bone. My Sous Chef responded with..."Well, you're still working here aren't you?" Fuckin' pussies.
Here's a bit from Slammed magazine, written by Michael Gagne and some of it attributed to again, Anthony Bourdain. I'm not sure if he wrote the whole piece or not but it sums up more perfectly than I ever could, about how you're viewed in a kitchen.

"the kitchen is the last true meritocracy. Here, you are what you do. Simple ability determines whether you are an asset or a liability; a culinarian or a ham and egger. Respect is a direct reflection of sharpnes of knives, of the efficiency of movement, of tidiness, punctuality and, especially, of the ability to perform under pressure. In the heat of the kitchen, cars, girls, lifestyles and personal idiosyncracies become irrelevant. Those are nothing but fodder for politically incorrect banter that fills the verbal void left behind the instructions, orders, demands and requests of the resident tyrant. Your's Truly."

In any field, ANYTHING in life, you simply KICK IT'S FUCKING ASS! Lead or stay behind. If you prefer to stay behind, you're a fucking loser. Cooking is a passion. If you don't pursue it as such, with every fiber in your being...you're passionless, and you're going to be shitty at everything you do.

MMMMMM......DOUGHNUTS....

2005-02-24T20:20:00.000-08:00

"is there anything they can't do"

Wise words by the great Homer Simpson.
Well, I guess they can't keep Krispy Kreme floatin'. I fucking love doughnuts. Coffee with too much sugar, a couple of glazed old fashioned and I'm totally jacked and hyper. This might change. You see, Krispy Kreme is doing some corporate re-structuring. It seems that one of the CEOs has decided to start taking an hourly wage. Man. What a noble guy. It takes real balls to give a up a grossly inflated salary to get down and dirty with the common working man! Here...here's the story!..
I quote from Restaurant Business , Feb..15 2005

"Winston-Salem, NC - The troubled Krispy Kreme chain has replaced it's CEO with an hourly employee, though he'll be paid roughly 100 times the wage of an in-store crew member, according to government filings. The documents indicate that interim CEO Stephen Cooper is billing the company at a rate of $760 per hour, while limited-term COO Steven Panagos is on the clock at a rate of $695 per 60 minutes."
-Both Cooper and Panagos work for the restructuring specialist, Kroll Zolfo Cooper-
"The lofty consulting fees do not, however, guarantee the the undivided attention of the two executives. Cooper is also currently serving as CEO for.......( who would have fucking guessed!) Enron; Panagos is chief restructuring officer at Penn Traffic Co."
"Krispy Kreme also plans to pay KZC a "success fee" to be negotiated in the next few weeks"

Think about it. One "employee" making seven hundred and sixty dollars an hour for motherfucking doughnuts.
And he doesn't even have to be there! I'm doin' this shit all wrong!
I understand he has other obligations like tending to his baby Enron. Hey, it's a full time job bilking hundreds of people out of their investments and savings, but come on...you should do a little time on the line per week!
These people I truly despise. Never mind the trespassing on the sanctity of the doughnut itself, but how the fuck can you justify that much money without having to actually work?
Those assholes should break down, scrub and repaint a Krispy Kreme every goddamned day. Outside too! Scrub the hoods, move the ranges, clean the greasetrap, count the fins on the eveaporators coils on the boxes....then I'll give you some slack on your rope! But you gotta earn it...I want my money's worth! And stop riding the fucking clock!
Could you imagine what a pain in the ass a $760 hr. employee would be? I don't think I could count on them.
" Dude...I'm fucked....can you come in?"
"Nope. I'm in Amsterdam. I'll be in in two weeks, but only for 18 minutes."
"Cool, thanks. That really helps."
To think.. all this shit....this gross waste of money, growing from something as innocent and understanding as a doughnut. I wonder if these "restaurant consultants" even eat their own food. Or for that matter if they eat their own young.
Lemme guess, you're gonna close a bunch of stores, put a bunch of people who make $6.50 hr out of work and collect a "success fee." I fuckin' hate 'em!
I also don't want to think of these assholes when I see Krispy Kreme. You know what I want? I want the image of an army of grandmothers making my doughnuts in the morning. I don't want to know what really goes on behind the scenes of my morning routine...I don't want to think of Mr Burns even in the same field, even by association. I want illusion until AFTER coffee, doughnuts and cigarettes!
I have seen the enemy. And boy is he rich.

Fuck George Bush

2005-02-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

Sorry. I never let politics infuriate me and this has nothing to do with food. I couldn't care less about blowing the shit out of other countries in the interests of defense contracts transparently cloaked as "liberation"( I will for the record say the genocidal madman Hussein DID have to be .. shall we say...dealt with.Whatever happened to good ol' fashioned assasination? Oh I forgot, we don't do that! right). Nor do I give a shit about the gay marriage thing. To me whoever anybody wants to fuck is cool, but I don't make the rules. If I can't control it, I don't give a rat's ass about it. I will say that if I see another Jesus lovin' robot with that motherfucking bumpersticker that has the- marriage=male/female stick figures - I'm gonna fuck up their vehicle. I wish I had a giant retractable dick that shot out of the front of my car and shot mayonnaise all over the place just for people who love cutesy bumperstickers. Everyone knows he's a x drunk, cokehead (his ONLY admirable qualities), an election thief, a schizophrenic( this is someone who think Jesus speaks through him. If your rich, it's great faith if you poor..it's called insane) No. It's his brilliantly misappropriated budget cuts.
The majority of the cuts are from what? Education. Guess he's trying to get that population's intelligence even lower . Well I guess, if all you asprired to was "c" averages in college, you wouldn't like trying to govern a intelligent populous now would you?

I have absolutely zero paternal instict. But I also realize that children are our future and need every available resource for education possible. First we eliminate learning how to read from school curriculums. Then ..FUCKING THEN, we eliminate -phys.ed class. Good start for creating a fat, dump bunch of people. I say start burning books next.

Or how about health care? Yep, need to cut all that shit out too. Don't him and his buddies have all the coverage they need? Fuck the rest of the country. I get great solace in the fact that in building a business that takes every single dime you can get and abuses your body and brain to extremes on a daily basis, you have to worry about losing it all if you get seriously ill or injured.
I'm tired of watching this country being turned into mindless sheep actually believing that the powers that be will "fix" everything.
It's 1984. It actually IS happening. Cameras watching your every movement, intelligence and free thinking being stamped out. Paranoid? No. just prove that these things AREN'T being instituted and I tell you I'll get psychiatric help, but I won't.

He makes me sick. I didn't actually care until his budget cuts. Now I hate him.
"THE IDIOT SON OF AN ASSHOLE"

No, I'm not anti-America, I still have a little fastly fading hope. I support our troops 100%. I love technology, watching shit get blown to smithereens. I paid for the damn arsenal, I wanna see what it can do although I might not BROADCAST EVERY MOVE BEFORE WE DO IT!!! Personally I would've turned Afghanistan into a giant glass parking lot. I think this is the greatest country to live in( for how long I don't know). I hated John Kerry too.Christ. That guy has the personality of a mop. He really didn't flip flop on the issues a whole lot either. Saddam Hussein needs much worse than he'll get. I'll defend this country to the end if I have to, but I'll wait until I feel threatened by someone other than some illiterate, Texas redneck oil fuck.

Dude, Where's My Fish?

2005-01-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

Suppliers. Don't you just love some of them? Let me first start out by saying the suppliers I deal with from Honolulu Seafood to Jet Fresh have yet to let me down (that much) and when they do, they bend over backwards to take care of the problem. No, this bitch is about the shitheels that can't seem to get their heads out of their asses.
Here's a few better examples;
Tuesday, start of the week...v.i.p. birthday res. for that night.
The fish order just didn't show up. It was all local stuff. 20 pointless phone calls later, I was truly fucked. It just didn't fucking show. After the weekend there is rarely any seafood left in house and in this case, there was none. 75% of the customers walked that night, including the birthday party. It was one of the worst nights of my career. I couldn't believe I let so many people down.
Needless to say, the dropping of the account the next day was one of those situations you really need to take advantage of. Really tell 'em what's on your mind. Loudly. Scathingly. Scarring.

Another time I already addressed on another post. Four hours on the phone to Hawaii and Fed Ex looking for my specialty fish for the weekend. Finally shows up at 8 pm, right in the middle of service. No...sorry brother....put that shit back on the fucking truck and take it back. Too late to check it in , process and sell it.

New Year's Eve...honestly I forgot what year....85-6? 3 o'clock...no meat. Wasn't too worried at that point, I figured we'd just do everything else and spend the last bit of time doing the butchering. I like all the butchering done first but you gotta adapt sometimes. Most times shit ain't right. Order finally shows up at 5:30. Tight but doable. Except for the frozen, chine-on lamb racks. Yep. Sure would've been nice to get the split chine off racks I ordered. Thanks fuckheads! The customers ended up helping us butcher them. It was realllly fucked up, but no one seemed to get upset. It was a small place, we were mostly all friends and we were also passing around bottles of Veuve Cliquot.

I wonder if suppliers coordinate their fuck ups with your most crucial times? I mean, it happens with such accuracy as to causing the most headaches and financial loss, it seems almost brilliantly calculated. Goddamn it get us our shit on time!!! Invest in more trucks if you have to; Fucking Hummers would be good..I don't care if you have to crush a soccer mom to get me my product....just do it!
Don't you just get sick of putting out fires other people start? Constantly adapting your schedule to their bullshit. I've got a deadline for every single second of the day, motherfuckers. Throw me a friggin' bone!
Here's one I'm quite proud of. Again Friday night, Kobe ribs show up not split. I could just cut them into ribs but they're too huge. I also hate serving them off the bone. I remembered I had a circular saw in the utility closet. Across the street they were doing some masonry work and I ran over to see if they had a carbide blade. I explained the situation and they just gave me one. They couldn't believe what I needed it for. It actually fit the saw so I just fired it up and split the ribs with a circular saw. It smelled like a thousand teeth getting drilled. I thought the meat and bone would immediately clog the blade rendering it smooth and worthless, but it worked. I love shit like that.
The M.I.T grads that load the trucks are awesome too. I never would have guessed that raspberries, avocados, baby lettuces should all go on the BOTTOM of the load. It's cool though because I like my most expensive things crushed. I am also in favor of hiring the handicapped so it all works out.
Are we the only ones that spend every waking second thing about how we can do things better? I don't care what the fuck you do. If you do it, do it well. On principle. Especially if what you do has a bearing on me or what I do. Use that little pea inside your head...yeah...that rattling noise. That's your brain!
And no, I don't care about the others, just don't fuck my job up!

Integrity Where Art Thou?

2005-01-06T16:44:00.000-08:00

I'm back fuckers and I've got more than a chip on my shoulder. I'm pissed about the lack of integrity in our business. I'm pissed about chefs who slap their name on pieces of shit to sell to the public and rip them off. It's the same thing as cooking a dish with no care and garnishing the hell out of it because you don't care. You expose and sell the public the wrong understanding of what we do. You are a bigger detriment to our struggle than a thousand Applebee's. Maybe I'm the minority, but if my name or reputation( my cooking reputation) is associated with a particular item, this item has got to be the best I can muster. It had better be right. It's principle only. You all certainly can figure out a few of who I'm talking about.
Let's look at a couple... two bad and two good.

BAM! is a bad one. Of course this wacky character even sells toothpaste now. He'll sell anything. ANYTHING! Let's take the Emeril knives as an example. First off, they're the bottom of the line stamped Wusthof. They suck. Touted as being the knives Emeril uses. No they aren't. No chef worth a shit would use these. Period. Rip off a gullible public though..that's important. His cookbooks are even worse, few recipes even work in them. I have mixed feelings about this guy a lot because he has actually raised the publics awareness of cooking. Unfortunately, he instructs them to think even less about cooking than they already do. Besides that, anyone who puts cheese and salami in a panzanella should be executed immediately! Fucking integrityless lilly guilders!.

Jamie Oliver is another one. Don't you just wanna rip this guys face off? He's a chef! He's a rocker! He's young and hip! No. He's a pud. I picked up a piece of his cookware and the rubber handle liner fell off. A rubber insert for comfort. What's the first thing we do in a kitchen when we get a few new pans? Throw that fucking rubber handle cover away. To be fair, this was a year or so ago and the new stuff is just a plain handle. But whatever, this site is all about hair splitting. I'd like to kick the shit out of this Cockney cocksucker!

( besides everything else, do we really need another celebrity spice mix?)

Now the good..

Wolfgang Puck. The $400 million dollar chef. You'ld think he would be first on my list. Nope. Why? Because like him or hate him, he has integrity. His food in his restaurants is always good. His frozen pizzas are actually good(for frozen pizza) and the cookware is solid and well made. His mixer is built like a tank. He's never lost sight of the fact that quality is what it's all about. He is, and always will be a cook first.

Daniel Boulud- No great line of spices...sauces or whatever. Two. A smoked salmon that is like eating smoky silk and knives that are extremely well made, forged beauties. I seem to recall him having some caviars also but I might be wrong. It doesn't matter. If he did, it was perfection to be sure.

Emeril selling toothpaste. Rick Bayless promoting Burger King. Although I can't blame them for their pursuit of a buck, I have to wonder if the people even know what the true responsibility of our profession is.

Maybe We Are Rock Stars

2004-12-10T16:14:00.000-08:00

Jeremiah Tower was eating at the bar on night last week and it made me think. At his peak in the 80's, Stars was the place. Anybody who was anybody went there and Jeremiah for all intents and purposes might as well have been Mick Jagger. Really nice , polite man very far removed from his wonderfully crazy past. It made me think how our business mirrors the rock and roll world. Both have glorious amounts of great drugs, RV sized egos and groupies.
Pre 80's dining was fairly safe as was the rock scene. Nothing too outrageous for the most part. We all cooked food that was easily indentified and enevelope pushing technique had yet to become the norm. Rock and roll was rock and roll. Then the 80's hit. Music started to suck, plates became unfocused mishmashes of bad technique and poor conception. And yes, about this same time is when my favorite subject, rim garnishing , came about. I just think it's funny how that silly concept came about at the same time Poison, Warrant and Ratt were filling stadiums. The bigger the hair got, the higher the garnishes got. More, more, more was the cry and chefs responded with even more fusioned tragedies. Bands responded by getting prettier, flashier and more talentless. The 80's went by in what seemed a blur. Like a bad acid trip, we finally peaked and started to get our heads together. The late 80's fortunately showed a great revolt against that silly "fusion" shit with more chefs becoming more interested in the clarity of their food. Not all, but a lot.
Not only did we survive but we learned to reel it in a little. Less IS more. Except for cash. I only wish the music scene had wised up in the same way. It seems nothing is getting better in that area. What are these fucking "rock and roll" bands today? Hubastank? Blink182? Henry Rollins summed it up best in his Suicide Girls interview. He was asked what he thought about today's hard rock scene to which he responded " There isn't one. When people ask me what I think of bands like -Good Charlotte and the like, I think they're a bunch of pussies". Fuckin A Hank

The Fucking French

2004-11-30T22:56:00.000-08:00

I think I've done my best to avoid this subject, but now I'm fucked. I have no choice now as I've dealt with French people since before we opened for brunch (remember that horrid subject? Throw a few snotty French people in the mix.) until they annoyed the last few customers at night( now add a French baby). First, I like to see stereotypes dispelled and not reinforced. I tried not to go along with the hip anti-French sentiment because frankly I don't care what country anyone is from. They produce beautiful models and they like good food. Good enough for me. Granted, the willingness to roll over prone is a little hard to take , but whatever. France also gets props for creating cuisine structure and kitchen structure as we know it today so I guess in a way, Careme, Escoffier, Point are all our culinary "Fathers". Ouch. Fortunately Spain has taken France's position in the culinary spotlight. Shit. They get it from all angles don't they??I wonder why.Sunday brunch....2 of 7 frogs walk in and sit down. Finally the rest show up and get a round of champagne. "Oh....first thing in the morning and we're drinking California champagne!"..Oh I'm sorry. It's free. You could always buy a fucking bottle of Dampiere if you want zee best."Oh, would you care for a wine list? We have several very nice champagnes.""I guess this will be ok"Of course it will you cheap fuck.- side note to table 18, people dont' eat green beans and eggs for brunch. Eggs come with meat, preferably lot's of it!-" I want the steak with foie gras butter in place of the sausage on the other dish"You want to substitute steak and foie gras butter for sausage. In other words you want to pay $14.oo for a steak big ass ribeye with foie gras butter is this correct? No, I'm afraid you'll pay $26.00 for basically steak and eggs. Keep it up! I like this game!"I want hot chocolate"We don't actually serve hot chocolate, but it's really not a big deal and honestly, it sounded really good for some reason so I made it. French style with milk, cream and very bitter chocolate frothed in the end with the immersion blender....it was fucking good."How much should I charge them?" the waiter asks (in a fine mercenary tone I might add)"Nothing, tell them it's compliments of --------""It was delicious, can we have some more?"No. That was called generosity, we don't ask for more you snotty, snotty drip.When all was said and done, they surpassed their stereotype of low tipping by leaving a phenomenal 10 AND A HALF percent.8:30 Sun night. Relatively slow so I decided to re-write the menu and get off line for a while. I hate cooking on Sunday nights after brunch. I don't know why, but it just really sucks. Took my seat at the end of the bar and that was the cue for the French couple with child in hand and baby in stroller to arrive. I kind of felt sorry for them. They were young and both had the exhausted look of having dragged little rugrats all over a foreign city where no one spoke French. They looked fucking beat.Things started out promising the woman ordered the foie gras terrine. See, that's what I mean about the French loving good food? The woman was very slim but felt no guilt whatsoever about ordering a 1/2 inch slice of fattened duck liver with a quarter inch of duck fat on top. And she ate the whole thing. She also ordered the White Bass "cuis en sous vide" with sauce Americaine. The guy had turtle soup and a roasted fish. They were eating very well and I love to see people eating like this. Not necessarily dining, it's more carnal than that, but eating. Then the banging started. The little girl was now bored and was banging the spoon on the table . Now the spoon and knife... Isn't it amazing how children can destroy even the briefest period of calm?She calmed herself down by plopping herself right in the middle of the floor where all the traffic is. Her and her raggedy assed rabbit doll. Just blocking the way of the waiters, her parent's oblivious. Now the shrieking starts. Awwwwww...little baby just woke up and he must be cranky!!..Imagine the loudest crying baby you've ever been trapped on an airplane with. You could hear it in the kitchen, outside, in the office..there was no escaping this noise. It's the kind of situation where everyone has either a really pissed off look or that nervous smiling. All I'm doing is watching the nervous looks on the other diners faces and telling myself.."they'll never be back...this is fucking brilliant" All I truly want to do is go" Look, I appreciate that you enjoy the food , but you gotta get those little motherfuckers out of here!"...Take the kids out back, eat in shifts, get your food to go....I don't care just shut them up! Nope. They just sat oblivious to everyone else and ordered a couple of soufflees for dessert which take about 15 minutes. I wanted to kill them on one hand and on the other, I admired their self absorbedness. After the other diners left, the kids were more at ease and calmed down...damage done for the day. After having the waiter remove all my silverware from their baby carriage, and leaving the requisite 10% tip they finally left, victorious in thair battle to uphold stereotypes, jellyfish-like backbones and dispel their mythic grip on dining and sophistication.Yes. After today I can say Fuck the French.Oh and about tipping? I don't wanna hear "Well in France, the tip is included!" Well, in America it's not. And anyone who travels ANYWHERE learns the very basic customs. I don't wanna hear this "they didn't know" shit!

Mass Feedings

2004-11-23T13:51:00.000-08:00

That special time of year is here and I don't know about you, but I'M certainly giddy! I'm talking about the Holiday Season! If you're like me, the thoughts of the Holiday season always bring such joy! The hordes of people in last years Christmas sweaters, the shellshocked look in dad's eyes when he's dragged from store to store....grandma and grampa all made up in their best wax museum finery...Grandson Bobby with the " Give me my present so I can go back up to my room look"... I hate cooking for groups of familys. The concept of an entire family that wants to go do something together is kind of frightening, excusable only if certain family members get waaayyy too drunk and start shit with one another.This all gets nullified if more than two members are wearing Christmas sweaters. There's just waay too many rules around this time of year! My mind is reeling with how much there is too be annoyed by!. But let's not forget the most joyous of events. The abandoning of all dignity and resorting to scoop 'n pooping about 95-100 fucking turkey dinners. Yep, all those poor traditional souls are going out en masse looking for bird stuffed with bread. Writing the menu for Thanksgiving is particularly shitty because you know all they want is turkey. Doesn't matter what else you put on, everybody wants turkey. And good o'l pumpkin pie too!! Nothing you can do, no way of getting out of standing there pumping out these plates of traditional silliness. " Well, why do you serve Thanksgiving if you hate it so much?"...(had to get that out of the way)

For the money. Same as brunch. I hate Holiday menus every bit as much as I hate brunch. I do them for the money only. I'm a whore on Sundays and Holidays only.

Tradition. Fuck traditions. I like to celebrate the Holidays the way I want. I don't want a plate of turkey. I'd rather have a huge Vietnamese feast, but this is the time of year that makes non-traditionalists cringe, so we serve food assembly line fashion. A hundred plates of waayyy too much boring food. It's kind of sick to see so many people who are hopelessly bound to tradition( not so much by the tradition of Thanksgiving, but by eating the same fucking thing every year!) eating like this. Let's celebrate the holiday by going out and eating cafeteria style! It's 10 hrs. of mind numbing repetitious boredom...then WE get to sit down and eat. After prepping for days, serving hundreds of people " a traditional Thanksgiving dinner", we get to cook for ourselves!!! I seem to have lost my youthful enthusiasm about this meal. I just want to go home for the most part. The sight of turkey makes me sick. The thought of eating cranberry sauce is revolting and all I can think is just three more Holidays to go until the horridness of the Holiday season is gone for another year. Being in this business is like being on a nuclear sub for months at a time. We don't come up for air much and we most times just don't get what's going on on the surface. What do Holidays mean for the majority of us? Not a godaamned thing except the absolute distillation of everything I've railed on up to now. So when you're on the way to work(while others are sleeping late, enjoying their friends they haven't seen since last year) to slop out yet another Holiday feast for others, and someone says...'Hey Smile, it's the Holidays!!!"....please...do SOMETHING to them or their property.

Your Foie Gras Has Been Terminated

2004-11-16T01:34:00.000-08:00

California has banned the sale of foie gras. Yep. The Governor who made his career pumping iron, groping women and making movies about killing anything and everything that moves ( has he had a great fucking life or what?), has suddenly buckled under to the animal rights activists and his string pulling wife, and decided to eliminate hundreds of years of culinary bliss and tradition. The thing that really pisses me off is that do you think Kindergarten Cop won't get it and eat if he wants? What the Hell is going on in California? Everyday it's turning more and more into someone's sick version of Utopia. Oxygen bars, a Nazi-(oops...sorry Arny)like war on smoking( which everyone realizes is a foul, disgusting and deadly habit...BUT it's still personal choice) and now you can't eat foie gras?
Let me say for the record I've spent a lot of time in California and I love it. I can tolerate the smoking issue because I simply go smoke when I want to. I just break the laws I don't like. But the foie gras thing has me really shaking my head in absolute dis-belief. Few things in life are better than George Morrone's Yellowfin Tuna with Seared Foie Gras, but it's not even that one dish. It's foie gras itself. It's fucking great. It is such an integral part of traditional cuisine that who actually thinks they have the right to say we can't eat it? WHO? You're meddling and tampering with culinary tradition. No one has the right to do that! Not me, not any other twisted culinarian and certainly not an ex-bodybuilder! This stamping out of pleasure in our society and replacing with FORCED compassion is another small right stripping that really bugs the shit out of me. Wanna have a safer society? Why not pull out the Declaration of independence, pull out a pocket knife and cut out the parts we don't like? Smoking and drinking kill millions of people each year. Period. Yet because of the sickening amount of money the tobacco industry generates ,well, we'll just put up some more warnings and let the legal murder continue. Let's get rid of cigars Arnold, would that be ok with you? Of course not! You should be allowed to smoke your expensive turds if you want. It's basically a " Fuck people, let's focus on a duck" mentality and I think it's warped. I like animals as much as anyone, in fact I prefer my dogs to most people, but I also have long ago accepted that in the food industry, animals are treated as inhumanely as they could ever be but that's how it is. It's not right, but that's how it is. This position of " until we find a more humane way to produce foie gras" is asinine. How are we going to do that? How are you going to force a living creature's liver to become swollen humanely? I was thinking about this today and I though well, an alcoholic's liver swells..so why don't we turn the ducks into alcoholics. Let them drink nothing but Port and maybe their livers will swell from alcoholism. Also think how fucking good it would be to be marinated with Port from the inside!.
No, why don't we just do this. Why don't we just eat foie gras if we want? Why don't assholes like Hizzoner focus on the true problems in our society and stop trying to pin the blame on everything that has some slight sensuality to it from sexual preference to luxurious food. The problem isn't the poor ducks. The problem is laws being enabled by people who live in gated community fantasy worlds who have no earthly idea what anyone wants. I say we as chefs create a national foie gras day. An unofficial holiday celebrating the glories of this insanely delicious product.
Hasta la vista freedom. Right Arnold?

Side Note...Pour Out A Little Liquor

2004-11-13T21:30:00.000-08:00

For Ol' Dirty Bastard. Wu Tang's founder.

Wacky Chef Clothes

2004-11-10T20:51:00.000-08:00

Today's the day when the new Chef Revival wear catalog shows up. All I can think is "What the fuck? What a bunch of shit!" Don't get me wrong, they have nice coats and all, but when and WHO more importantly, all of the sudden thought we needed "wacky" chef's clothes? Scarves, 25 different styles of coats, tunics, jumpsuits(fucking jumpsuits man?), bakers hats, beanies, bandanas, baseball hats all in every tacky, garish and hideous patterns, each one worst than the one before it. I hate them. I hate them all. I like black/checks and whites. I mean when did cooking food become a fashion movement? And a dangerously bad one at that. Black/White. Simple. I mean what is the point of all this foppery? "Look how wacky I am! I'm an individual!" No you're not. You're fucking annoying. Wacky. Don't you just love wacky people? Get back in line, keep your wacky individuality to yourself and show me how you cook! What corporate twat actually turned us into fashion dummies. Muted pink chef's coat( for her) Denim chef coat( for him) how sickeningly "cute". Where did this shit start? Did someone actually complain about...
"This dumb old coat.......cooking's fun and all....but the outfits are so boring!"
Pretty revolting isn't it? How we're pictured in catalogues like this. Silly little fashion puppets. I really do despise them. But what's even worse is this entire line of everyday items given some mythical status by applied "chefdom". Here's a couple favorites: The "Sauce Bullet". It's a thermos. The "Line Spoon". Yep. It's a spoon. Personally, in all the places I've worked, I've never actually seen something called a Line Spoon. I have about 2 dozen big, cheap-ass soupspoons I use. Guess I must be missing something. The "Drizzler". You might know them as squirt bottles. The "Tastermate". It's a spork. My personal favorite the"Bonetector". A stainless steel device that clamps on rack bones. Kinda like foil, but fancier. When did all this nonsense come about? When did what we do for barely a living ever become so fucking accesorized? I'm serious! Did it come about the same time that ridiculous rim garnishing shit happened? Seems to me like it did. I'll bet...I'll bet, that if you show me someone in a bright wacky chef's costume, with those goddamned chili peppers on it, I'll show you someone who puts shit on the rim of the plate! And baby chef wear? BABY CHEF WEAR???!! What is that about? Some corporate Mooney who thinks a baby would look "really cute" wearing a cooks outfit?. I think we should find the offspring of these marketing thinkers and force them to spend their lives in kitchens. Think of it..
"I had no idea...(sobbing)...I just thought he would look so cute in that outfit. I just wanted to cater to some (sobbing) neurotic moms!" "I had no idea the chefs would come and take him!!! THEY TOOK MY LITTLE SKYLER THOSE BASTARDS!!!"

What is actually happening to the job of cooking? Has it really become so glamorous? It's pretty much the same as it ever was to me. I must have missed that whole era of the chef thing. I was probably lighting the water heater or pulling out Rockfish guts. Not to mention this minor thing which is why we do WHAT we do. For the food.

Death Before Dishonor

2004-10-31T01:20:00.000-08:00

Think we're lowly kitchen scum? We are. But you know what?, We take more pride in what we do on a daily basis more than virtually any other "respectable" occupation you can think of. We are are own harshest critics. Personally, I hate people. I know from my posts this might be hard to believe but bear with me, it's true. Think that because of what I write here that I take customers for granted and treat them like shit? Wrong. I love and hate everything about this horrid business and will sacrifice anything and everything for it. Burned out? Maybe. Jaded? Definitely. Enough to let a minute detail go unnoticed? Not on your miserable life. It's that long forgotten virtue(?) called pride. Sure the whiney, pain in the ass,needy motherfuckers drive us all to the point of madness. Sure the sacrifice we all make on a daily basis is enough to also make us think"I have to get out of this shit", but when it comes down to it, when you strip away all the bullshit, all we have left is our pride in what we do. I'm not talking about sellout shoemakers, I'm talking about cooks or ANYONE who has the slightest vestige of principle in what they do. When a dish fails either in conception or execution, for that brief instant my life is ruined and I am shit. There is no"getting over it". There's no "Aww dude, it's not the end of the world". Yes it is fucker. Granted, these feeling pass but it grounds us and let's us know that we actually care about what the fuck we're doing. That in itself is a great feeling. That brief realization after the self flogging ends to know you actually give a shit. It's one of the hardest parts of this odyssey. The majority of people tell you how great everything was and all you do is rip apart the things you felt could be better. "Ohhhhhhh...the souffle of sea urchin was like Heaven!" And all I think is, Heaven? I don't want that! I want you to feel like you wiped out in a wave and ate the beach! Therefore, I think I failed. To me Heaven just doesn't sound that glorious.
My point is that after all the headaches, all the insulting ridiculousness, we already have seen our shortcomings and are ready, willing and able to do our own version of better next time. Most are willing to settle for something less. But for us, settling for "good enough" is a personal affront. I think all my work is garbage. Maybe I've set my personal standards too high and it drives most of my kitchen staff nuts, but as far as I think, if you settle for good enough, you've less importantly let down your diner(they rarely notice) , but you've failed yourself. A simple thing like a dinner roll can destroy an entire evening. ONE ROLL!!! If a poorly risen roll is ever served, it negates all the other things you've pulled off. No one sees it but us. Everyone is happy except us. It's truly strange that bunch of predominantly foul mouthed, uncaring, harsh, egotistical sociopaths actually care so much about what they do. It's admirable and honorable and I am fiercely proud of caring so much about what we do. Cooking. We feed people. What is more important and communal? Nothing.

Reservations

2004-10-29T09:16:00.000-07:00

Can you just make them? Or maybe how about not walking in with a party of 12 unannounced on a Saturday night. What is so goddamned hard about making reservations? I'm sure you have a cell phone as you probably be talking loudly on it in the dining room. Ever heard of common consideration? I'm not talking about popping in to Maggiano's Little Italy( or little travesty) Quiznos for a quick bite. I'm talking about the absolute refusal for diners to make reservations at upscale places and then get all pissy when they can't get seated (or served) right away. Oh well. Guess you should have made a reservation because the people that did are going to get preferential treatment. Is it really that hard? Why do people spend the majority of their time on their absolutely insanely annoying cell phones talking about the most useless shit but when it comes time for something that might be necessary, they seem to forget they have them. We can plan our whole entire lives out, but when it comes to such trivial events as when and where you're going to dinner, this as a incredible stumbling block. Just make a fucking reservation.
If you don't, don't bitch when the waiter takes to long to get to you. We've staffed the floor according to reservations and what's in town. We ran out of squab? Oh well. I only ordered so many based on reservations, a few walk ins and historical sales. You should have made a reservation and you would have gotten it. " Little short staffed tonight huh?"..Yeah. None of you assholes let us know you were coming.
You always plan for walk ins..(of course if you over plan, you'll be dead) but Wed was like the seen in Dawn of the Dead where they're all outside the mall trying to get in. They started circling two hours before service ...shielding their eyes, staring in through the windows....waiting. All they have to do is walk in and make a reservation . Could they? Nope. Fuck that. That's too much planning. "Would you care to make a reservation?" .." Ummm no..we'll just come back around 7".....ok Kenny Rogers...Mr. Gambler...roll the dice and see what happens. You'll probably have a great time. If too many others think like you, you're gonna be shit outta luck. You do of course have the power to change this. Just make a reservation. And for Christ's sake, don't just show up with a banquet. I don't care who you are or where you are, if you show up unannounced with 10-12 people ( especially if the kind of asshole who says, " It could be 9 but it might be as many as 14") you are an inconsiderate idiot. If you're going to try to broaden your horizons beyond Fuddruckers (Isn't THAT a fun sounding name. Good times I'll bet!) do it on your own a few times until you get the hang of it.

The Raw And The Cooked

2004-10-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

So now we're not supposed to cook food now? I'm getting a little tired of these joyless, pasty white, emaciated raw food junkies spouting their version of "healthy lifestyles". A life without cooked food would suck. Hard. Think of the pleasure you refuse yourself and tell me that that's "healthy"
The concept of raw food is one I can agree with. Food heated beyond 118 deg. loses the majority of enzymes and nutrients. Ok. So?. Who cares? You can live just as long and just as healthy by eating ANY vegetables. These people are like joyless moonies...." Must live to 100"..."Must not see light of day"...." Must not partake of anything edibly luxurious". It's no different than staunch, in your face Vegans telling us all how THEIR way is better. No it's not. It's better for YOU, and that's fine. The premiere RAW food restaurant Roxanne's closed recently. I'm sorry to see any restaurant close (unless their truly bad) because I know how much it takes to get them going in the first place. But as brilliant a display of what raw food can be, it just sounds sterile and clinical. Like a trip to the doctor's office. There's no mention of a technique that puts the image in your head first. People don't go out to eat to be healthy nor do I believe the majority want to be healthy enough to do more than wish they were healthy.. If they're concerned with health, they live a healthy life and then go out to blow it. Can you think of anything more unpleasant than a meal where nothings cooked? First off, it's gonna be room temp. I don't like my food blistering, but I want it hotter than 118 deg. tops. Next,it's going to be raw. Nothing slowly braised until every protein turns into a little barely holding together bit of flavor. Of course, there's no meat to braise anyway. I try to imagine if a kitchen where nothing is cooked actually smells like a kitchen. Meat blood searing. Onions and garlic roasting. Bread baking. All the things that brings a rush of childhood, a sense of tranquility and at the same time excitement. Carnal desire. And, the feeling of...I wanna eat...now!
Freshly baked bread is my downfall. Smelling it bake and pulling it out of the oven I can easily devour 1/2 a loaf. Now imagine a professional kitchen where there were no kitchen smells. What desire would there be to eat, taste and cook? MMMMMM....smell that dehydrated tomato! Makes you want to head right out to that yoga class huh? And the soy cheese! Man, nothing I like better than a cheese plate with soy or cashew cheese. No, I want a steak cooked a perfect medium rare, or a chicken roasted until it falls off the bone, or a big goddamn lambshank braised in red wine until it melts. And I want my vegetables cooked too. I'll eat my raw food in the salad. I hate food overcooked, but raw just seems silly in a restaurant. I'm more than happy to cook for Vegans, vegetarians and even raw foodists ( I like challenges what can I say) but an entire movement? Trying to actually qualify such nonsense with arguments that this is how the cavemen ate and look how healthy they were. Healthy maybe, but can you imagine how fucking happy they were to discover fire and get to cook their food? I'm tired of people in 2004 trying to get back to the way things were in the Paleozoic period. Why not just eat. I'm tired of people trying to turn eating ,and now COOKING, into some kind of new age evil. Wanna really help humanity? Destroy the disgusting, souless, murderous, obesity inducing, hop-into-bed-with-the medical-industry food corporations. These are the ones keeping society unhealthy. Not us. Not the ones who cook and not cooked food itself. To me there's bigger food related health issues than whether or not someone cooks food.
Ever wonder where normality lies? It lies somewhere between our Orwellian president with his cameras up your ass and forcing you to take your shoes off before flying bullshit and these special interest groups that have nothing better to do than FIND a cause. Wanna eat raw? Hey go ahead...it's your choice. But don't go around telling everyone what's wrong with society is that we've cooked all the enzymes out of it. Life is shitty enough without having to deprive ourselve's of somthing as pleasurable as cooked food. And if it gives you the energy of a 10 year old, please keep your invigorated, peppy ass away from me.
Cooking food is bad now. Christ I can't wait for what's next.

If Bathroom Walls Could Talk, They'd Scream

2004-10-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

You know you're headed into a good night when one of your first parties arrives drunk and promptly blows her entire stomach all over the bathroom. Now that's class! I think in any customer service business we are uniquely privy to the worst of human behavior. It seems the higher up the income bracket the customer is, the worse the behavior becomes. I always thought bathrooms were for basically ...going to the bathroom and washing up. I was way off. Here's a few things that have happened in several bathrooms in several restaurants. The above scenario is the most recent. When I worked in Maryland, a customer's colostomy bag burst in the bathroom. That was awesome. One time a customer went in to the bathroom, locked the door and had a stroke. About 7 firemen and paramedics were there to add a little levity to the evening. At another place a toiled overflowed so we called the plumber to snake it and about 10 condoms were found. I found a squirrel tail in one once and a teddy bear with all the stuffing pulled out in another. A couple went into a bathroom one time for yet another convenient use and ended up in one of the greatest screaming matches I've ever heard. The entire restaurant went silent and we finally had to ask them to leave. After listening and laughing at them for about 10 minutes. I've had faucets stripped and pictures stolen, not to mention the the toilet paper. I found a bartender passed out in one while I was locking up. The Ritz Carlton has telephone jacks (one marked "fax") right next to the shitter. I might be old fashioned but I think some things take precedence over getting a fax.
I wish the walls could talk as I'm sure they have better stories than we could ever imagine.

I've Got a New Pet!!!

2004-10-20T07:39:00.000-07:00

I'll call him MyLittleMonkey
You know you're doing something good when MyLittleMonkey spends his time scrutinizing my posts, failing to understand the concept of sarcasm and venting, and my personal favorite pointing out hypocrisy. I told someone not to hit the publish button twice yet I do it sometimes. So? MyLittleMonkey calls me an ungrateful prick (I love it!) because I vent about the irony and Murphy's law of this business. I'm grateful for every dime my customers spend. Am I grateful for what we have to put up with to get it ? Not by a fucking long shot. I'll leave the "yessa boss" dick sucking to my MyLittleMonkey. I'm so grateful I open the doors and cook for free for them once a year shithead. We give to the community, we work our fingers to the bone and we treat our customers like gold. We treat our employees the best we can. Apparently this is a problem for MyLittleMonkey.
MyLittleMonkey calls me childish. Yep. I act like a fucking 7 year old sometimes.
Another favorite MyLittleMonkey told me I was "fucked in the head". I'm so proud of MyLittleMonkey!! He figured that out on his own!? I've only said I was about a hundred times.
Do you think I tell the people that show up five minutes before we close they can't eat? No, they get the best we can give them.That's why they keep coming back. If you like when they do that, YOU'RE fucked in the head. Liking something and dealing with it are two different things. We deal with it. Sometimes I do it by leaving. I don't want my mood to rub off on my employees and set the tone for their work. Someday you'll have the luxury and sense to do the same thing. My kitchen doesn't need me babysitting them.
It's the same when somebody shows up at MyLittleMonkey's place and says "Can I have a 2 Value Meals?" You know, you're almost done mopping and now look.
I know what you're thinking MyLittleMonkey. You're thinking "well you chose this line of work"..yeah I sure did. Kind of. "Well if you don't like it get out" Why would I do that? I love it! I also love bitching about assholes. Actually it a lot simpler, if you don't like what I write, don't read it. I know you have to MyLittleMonkey, you're obsessed with it now.
These are of course, only his opinions and as flattering as they are, he's certainly entitled to them. That's why I love my new LittleMonkey so much. I'm sure his other owners love him too.

The Sound of Silence

2004-10-18T01:02:00.000-07:00

Let me preface this with I used to be a screamer. I was one of the bad ones. I would scream at cooks, dishwashers , general managers( my favorites) and waitpeople like they were totally worthless. I rarely scream anymore. I lose my shit sometimes , but all in all I generally go about shit in a concentrating state of controlled frustration. Part of the growing process as a chef is realizing screaming does nothing to make people learn. All it does is make you look like an out of control asshole. I have no need anymore to give instruction with the hint of "look how much I know". I've already proven what I know by being where I am. I have nothing to prove to anyone. Thomas Keller is one of the most notorious screamers of all time and even he realized you get the point across more with quiet, obvious dissatisfaction. For some reason it's more insulting . Being a chef is being a HOPEFUL role model for a generation of cooks. All I ask is they show up on time with a good attitude. I don't expect them to do as much in as little time as me, if they could, they wouldn't be working FOR me. I've been in kitchens for 24 years. Longer than some have been alive. You can't make someone you. You can't make them think like you. You set a standard for yourself and the only person that has to live up to that IS you. Don't get me wrong, I still want to wring cooks necks when they move slow or work in clutter or don't multi-task in a logical and sensible order i.e. Don't put your braises off, do them first. If your mincing shallots, do you have the chocolate melting for the petit fours, the onions caramelizing and the pasta dough kneading at the same time? Are you prepping for today or is that a given and you're thinking about the next day? If not, you're behind. Chances are they are not. So what are you gonna do? Give them shit until they quit? Give yourself more headaches hoping the next guy shows up? No. Deal with it. Lighting a fire under someone's ass is waaay different than condescending to them and making them feel like shit. We have an unbelievable workload and my cooking staff consists of me, my sous chef and two cooks. that's 2. not twelve, not twenty. We cure our own meats. Make all our own chacrouterie. We buy nothing pre-portioned. Pastas, desserts, petit fours, even crackers for our cheese plates are made in house. Lunch, dinner a separate bar menu every day. On weekends, mind warpingly labor intensive specials are the norm. They even help produce small sub menus that occur when I need to satisfy the few and far between "foodie". Then they help the dishdog. The fact that we produce as much as we do is mind boggling, so that in itself is testament to their dedication to the restaurant, myself and the kitchen I run. My cooks get props because they don't have attitudes. We all do what needs to be done. They are individuals and need to be respected as such. I'll take them over any primadonas that think they're above doing anything that needs to be done. Sure, I'll still give them shit if they do something truly boneheaded, but I don't insult them. Usually anyway. They know me and they know I'm there also. They don't have the luxury of thinking they do all the work. If they are having a bad day, we all like to think.."leave that shit at home". Ask yourself, do you? Not always. It's not possible. You can't be pissed at them because everyone can't coordinate the bad personal days. All you can do is tell what to do, hope it gets done and if it doesn't, look at the big picture. Break it down to the upcoming service. Just get through it, make your customers happy( except the shitheads, send them straight to Hell) and do it all again tomorrow and tomorrow I'll have to tell show them how to clean the sea urchins again and tell them, make sure they bake of the creme brulees while they're cleaning up. Again. It's just not that big a deal as it will always get done.
I like a quiet , busy, on top of your shit service. Screaming means you're not on top of your shit. It puts people on edge and they can't do their best. Everyone loses.
Waiters are your salespeople and they do a job that we simply couldn't. If I had to put up with what they have to take, I would end up just beating the living shit out of a customer. I'm generally a little less lenient on the waiters because a) They're the face of the restaurant on a more constant level b) I buy them all the tools they need to do their job and they reward me by breaking all my shit c) They make lot's of money with my tools. But still, put yourself in their shoes for a minute. Just a minute though. As long as the customer likes them and they provide good service, fuck what you think of them personally. They are the ones that handsell a chefs work. Without them it's a broken machine.
Of course, there are employee exceptions to any rule, but either the problem or the people will naturally weed itself out. If not, don't scream , just SACK THEIR ASSES!

It's Not Very Busy, Can't He Just....

2004-10-17T23:15:00.000-07:00

No. It's not a matter of whether I can or not, It's WILL I. Don't you love when people want something special and then think the phrase" Why not? it's not very busy" is going to somehow magically work for them. Not busy? Not if you think you're the only person in the dining room. Did you happen to notice the other 30 people that sat down at the exact same time as you? Did you notice there were other people here when you walked in? Did you notice the other people walking in after you?.. Fuck you. This is one of those rage inducing questions because they actually think that they know what constitutes busy for us. How about the fact my dining room is filling up (all at the same time of course). How about the fact that I'm already pissed of at the cheap ass vegan who's companion is only having a bowl of soup. We won't mention the fact he is wearing a captain's hat. What's that about? What's with people that wear captain's hats? No he's not a sailor, just a dimwit. How about the fact that I have a serious foodie in house and I decided to turn my concentration to them for a minute. I'm totally spent from a bust ass busy weekend and earlier in the day I already relaxed by cranking out about 70 fucking brunches then, after taking a break for 30 minutes went immediately into dinner prep and menu adjustments. Wouldn't you love to walk into some doctor's office and demand he see you NOW! He's only with one other patient. Or maybe go to your mechanic and see if he can "just find that little noise real quick"..I mean HE'S not very busy is he? How self importantly presumptuous to assume I'm not very busy. Then the clincher was telling the waiter.."That's not very American".. Yes it is, It's extremely American. We're the rudest, meanest, crassest culture on Earth and I wouldn't want it otherwise.
Outsiders don't have the slightest clue what we have to do. Or maybe, just maybe we're fucking exhausted. Don't come in with demands and insult us by saying we're not very busy. You might spend the better part of your week at the gym and tediously pursuing hard to find hair products When you were working, we were working. When you were off, we were working. We're always busy. Play nice and you'll get what you want, act like you're the only person that I'm cooking for and you get nothing. Push it, and the waiter will disappear.
Right you spoiled shit. I'm not very busy. Amuses, intermezzos, vegans, petit fours, all the other diners don't exist in your world, only mine.

HE'S The Chef, You've Got To Meet Him

2004-10-14T22:16:00.000-07:00

No you don't. You don't have to meet me. I don't particularly want to leave my sanctuary. Did you ever think maybe, just maybe I might be in the zone working? I zone out. There is nothing else that even exist for me when I'm working. I don't want to stop what I'm doing, find a coat that's cleanish, get another apron and torchon and leave my post. If I go to your table I'll stand there like an idiot thinking about what's on the stove burning. I'm not a particularly attractive man, I don't feel comfortable inflicting myself on my customers and I hate rattling off the same thing I always do. "Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves". Then all the other diners feel neglected if I don't go to THEIR table. If I don't, I become the temperamental"artist". I must admit I like the term. Even though I don't care to be called an artist, I like the word temperamental. One review called me a tortured artist. Like there's some nobility in it. All being tortured does is fuck up your creative juices with worry. I like being crazy, but I don't like worrying about shit. I don't like being tortured and that's what this business does to you. Cooking a plate of food gives me about 1-2 minutes of peace. That's it. Don't get me wrong, I am so appreciative of creating something someone actually likes, I can't put it into words. The fact that you enjoyed it means I did my job well and you are happy. Let's leave it at that shall we? Let's not ruin this relationship by getting to know each other on some other level. I don't want to hear about where you ate last night or tell you how I learned. I don't want to know that you cook at home"but nothing like this" and I don't..really don't, want to hear about your kids. ESPECIALLY if one is going to cooking school. "Johnny's going to be a chef one day!" THAT PUSSY? No he's not. I especially like the people who have no idea what they just ate. I've spent my entire life in hot, steamy, deadline filled box and it's the only place I can function. I am entirely a product of my environment and can't function in any other social situation. Ok, maybe drinking in a bar where I don't have to get too chummy.
I like a lot of customers but they know me and know I'll come and talk when I'm ready or IF I'm ready. There's a reason we're behind the swinging doors.
-It's not that I hate people, I just feel better when they're not around- and I've found that most people are guilty of being part of this species. Most. Some I don't know what the Hell they are. I had one guy today poke his head in the door at lunch, started screaming some gibberish and then continued walking down the street screaming and directing traffic. That's really what I wanted to do. I was actually resentful. Such freedom insanity.
Here's a God awful situation I'll soon be subjected too. I was invited to some of our regulars house for dinner. Wonderful people. Nicest people in the world, devoted customers and not a bad bone in their body. That's the problem. All my bones are bad. I have nothing..ZERO in common with them. Plus, they're Jesus freaks. No drugs, no drink, no smoke. Besides cooking, those are my main hobbies. Just praising God for everything. If they were cool and I could go and get smoked out with them it would be one thing, but I really don't want to be subjected to hearing about all the trips they take or how much their house cost. Jesus must have bought it for them. What kind of spiritual loan shark is he anyway?. Don't even get me started on the organized religion racket. Maybe I could entertain them with how I can't afford to go to the doctor. Or maybe how my entire financial future could crumble in a month. Maybe Jesus could spring for the exhaust hood that blew at $2000.00. Oh....I've got lot's of stories! I feel like a total shit for feeling this way about such a kind and generous offer, but don't people understand not everyone cares for human interaction?
Can't we just have an easily recognized division of labor? YOU be the customer, and I'll cook for you. I DO like you, I just don't want to be friends with you unless we have a lot in common. Like good weed, pharmaceuticals, loud, fast punk/thrash music and a sarcastic mean streak a mile wide. All with a healthy dose of skeptical unacceptance. And for God's sake, don't come into the kitchen to meet me! "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKING!"

Just For The Record

2004-10-13T15:50:00.000-07:00

This blog is for people in the restaurant business. A lot of things in it apply to many fields that require passion. What it is NOT is a guide Q/A site for home cooks. It's a site for professionals in every field to fucking bitch, share familiar anecdotes and generally say fuck the world. Even at home or in doing ANYTHING your own interest should guide you. Wanna fix motorcycles? get one and take the fucker apart. Wanna cook? then start cooking. If you can't guide yourself, I can't help you.

Inspiration

2004-10-12T21:51:00.000-07:00

"How do you come up with all this stuff?" I hate this question, and maybe by ranting a little about it I'll figure the answer out. Then maybe instead of dreading the question (I honestly don't know, it just comes to me) I'll have an answer. I can sit at a traffic light and an idea pops into my head. I can look at a box of Pop Tarts and I wanna go"try something." I can lay out a row of pills and wonder " See how neatly they're all laid out? That would make a cool presentation" Right now..Right here I'm going to create a new word. "Craftist". I hate referring to ourselves as artists...too pretentious. But it IS an art form. It is also a craft. I flip flop on the term so , like the creation of a dish, I'll split the difference to suit myself. Kenny Shopsin equated creativity and fusion( I'll let him slide on the term) with " Sticking your dick in the wrong hole." He says" There's a certain friction , a sexual friction that's created when you put an ingredient in a dish that's not supposed to go there. This ..doing something you're not supposed to do.Sometimes it doesn't work, but a lot of times it does."
I think any great craftist starts with a fucked up mind. We don't think in the same linear fashion as we are taught. We're the ones that always had to know why something worked a certain way, In math class remember how the robot would always tell you "Well the answer is right, but you went about it wrong." What the fuck is that? I used a different approach and ended up in the same place? Who cares? I think this is what I hated about school. They only teach you in one way. That, and I was such a weirdo I could never fuck the cheerleaders. I think the eternal question WHY leads to contrariness in our "because it is" way of Western linear thought. Most of us have never followed the rules and have ended up being the foremost proponents of tradition. I find myself saying..."you do it that way, because that's the way it's done" a lot. But only in the hopes that whoever I'm attempting to teach will learn the rules in order to break them sensibly. And regularly. I hate convention yet despise ungrounded innovation.
It is contrariness that makes our minds look outside the box. I quit high school but read voraciously. Most times I feel like everything is pointless and at the same time feel like I can do anything. It's a neverending conflict in my mind and this is what I mean by a fucked up mind. It just doesn't follow a normal course of thought. I hate it. Then someone will say " well, why don't you see a doctor to straighten it all out?" Because I like it. See what I mean?
I live in my own head. I don't think I'm alone in there though, I just don't see my neighbors as anything other than ideas. Shapes, colors,textures, questions...techniques , creation are the only things that give me peace. Sure, it will drive you crazy but who is sane? As long as you can walk normally and give brief impressions of sanity, you're fine.
A deeply troubled and quizical mind is technique.
The next part is the tools. Your idea bank. Aquired knowledge. You can't rule ANYTHING out. Things you hate, things you love, all your training, every dish you've ever eaten, every painting you've ever seen, every touch, every philosophy - Everything- forms this great resourse that your contrary technique can use. You have to keep this idea bank fed on a daily basis. It's like a shark. If it doesn't swim it dies. Without inspiration, what's the point? You can't force it though. It's a natural occurence. Sometimes you have to force it because you have a deadline, but this is where we critique ourselves and go " God, that sucked." Fortunately most people don't see it, but we do. The hardest part is not killing yourself when you hit a down period. You're simply recharging. I used to think I had do my most original, creative stuff on a daily basis. Now I sometimes go a week without any ideas. Culinary writer's block I guess. This is when you have to rely on just good old fashioned cooking. Just make a really good, simple roast chicken. Or a plate of linuine with clam sauce ( you have to make perfect linguine though, not that boxed shit). Cook simple for a while and your head will reboot and you'll suddenly have that idea you were looking for. One style spurs the other. This is also why we never relax. When we cook to relax, it just makes us think more and that's when we wake up a 4:30 am and say" Fuck a roast chicken."
Being a fanatical craftist has destroyed any sense of normality in my life. I feel sorry for my family, my friends and anyone I've ever been in a relationship with. I can't change and for 99.9% percent of the people , it's too hard to deal with. Remember the scene in Amadeus where Mozart was in a billiard room...just rolling the balls around the table, bouncing them off each other, stone cold silent except for the click.....click...of the billiard balls. His wife walks in and he screams.." CAN'T YOU SEE I'M WORKING!!!!".. Well, that's what craftism is. For that I'm sorry. Alienating and isolating, but only in OUR heads.

Oh well, at least we have each other.

How To Become a Chef Today

2004-10-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

Here's how you do it.
1) Go to any cooking school
2) Work for a month here and a month there for really GOOD chef's who've paid their dues
3) Don't learn how to cook. Fuck learning how to make mashed potatoes correctly, make wasabi mashed potatoes.
4) Don't read anything about food or cooking except glossy magazines
5) Carry around evey little kitchen gadget and 20 dull knives in a big briefcase
6) Land a executive chef's job and freak out when you have to think on the fly. Then yell at everybody for your own inabilities.

Isn't it enough we have to have the public insult our intelligence on a daily basis without having to deal with these young , little twerps that see a chef on t.v and discover their true calling? I discovered mine when I was about 7 or 8. For some reason I always liked arranging cheese and crackers for the family. I then made strudel dough from a book and stretched it across our kitchen table. I didn't do anything with it as my friends came over and we had to go blow some shit up, but nonetheless it was so thin you could see through it. In hindsight, I guess I was destined for this profession. Years of sacrifice, verbal abuse, ungodly hours and reading...reading...reading..working...working...working...and Voila! Here I am! Broke because I have principles. Anyway, my point is I don't ever recall saying" I wanna be a chef!" I just took jobs because restaurant jobs were easy to get. Washing dishes, then doing a little veg. prep AND washing dishes. Helping the cooks and washing THEIR fucking dishes. Eventually making some salads...helping the busboys break the rungs out of the chairs so they would collapse under the customer. Slowly...verrrrry slowly working my way up. I don't ever recall thinking I was too good for whatever job I was doing. I was learning tons but didn't realize it. It was just work to me. I remembered every single thing I had to do.
Nowadays try teaching some snot how to cook. They don't want to learn how to cook. They want to learn how to make money and have people tell them how great they are. As I said before I'm on the " Star Chefs" site. When you get elected they have a big ceremony and one of the things you have to do is be on a panel of chef's speaking to culinary students. What a scary, disinterested lot this was. I'm just looking at these kids and thinking.."You're going to fail horribly". Not all I guess, but most. Then you're assigned a couple of student helpers who follow you around, keeping you from smoking cigarettes and scouting for potential chef groupies. One kid who was particularly annoying just came right out and asked...."What's the fastest way to get to where you are?"
I wanted to shove his head in the toilet. "There's no fast way to get anywhere good" I told him.
He kept on.."Does it take a long time to become a chef?"..."I was thinking..like..when I get out of school, I could like.. get a job in a restaurant." It made me think. You just got a lecture from a bunch of chefs on how we got where we are and you didn't even listen. And this is the future of cooking. It the same as writing, painting, designing clothes ...ANYTHING . You have to want to do it more than anything else in your life. If it doesn't consume you ..GET OUT QUICK! If you think making fresh pasta and cleaning 30 lbs of fish is boring and gross. Quit. Please.We don't want you. Don't insult us and don't ruin your own lives. Most of all don't insult us, or we'll ruin your lives worse than you could ever hope to. If you have no passion about anything ...if someone asks you what really gets you fired up and you can't answer, you're a worthless human being to me.
What's wrong with this generation of "artists" who don't believe in the most important part of the learning process. The sacrifice. Wanna train to be a chef AND have a life ? Go fuck yourself.
I hate and am actually kind of scared where cooking is headed. I feel like a dinosaur most days. Mostly though I get worried that I'm gonna stroke out from some asshole that's too important to learn to cook properly. If you roll your eyes when I show you how to make gnochi guess what, next you'll be taking out the trash because my dishwasher is a lot more valuable than you. I'm not really a screamer anymore but I'm not so sure this is a good thing.

I Like Killing Flies

2004-10-11T19:50:00.000-07:00

I watched an independent film last night called "I like Killing Flies." It was about a restaurant owner/chef named Kenny Shopsin. This might quite possibly be the best food/restaurant movie I have ever seen. Shopsin's restaurant is in New York, some of you might be familiar with it but I wasn't. It is a low budget documentary about the life and philosophies of Kenny Shopsin, one of the coolest, most down to earth, intelligent and abrasive restauranteurs I've had the pleasure of watching. It is straight from the trenches and almost made me want to say fuck "high cuisine". Almost. It took me back to the days when we weren't rock stars or celebrities, we were cooks. Ughhhh...sorry, I started to wax poetic. Back when I was nobody people came to eat my food. Now they come to find all the faults. I still feel and always will feel that I am just a good cook. It now seems food has taken a backseat to bullshit and just cooking great food is the least important part of our career. Playing the network who you know/how you look game is what it's all about now. It makes me sick. I will probably die broke because I don't prescribe to that shit. It's forced upon me and I hate it. I know I should be grateful but it's hard when you just like to cook. People's work should speak most loudly. Here's a Calvin Trillan story on him. Watching that movie made feel good for a brief instant knowing there is a person like Kenny in the world.
A favorite moment was his policy of no 6 tops. A six top walk in and he says " No fucking six tops, get out!" When the customer explained there was no-one else in there he pointed out .." No..YOU'RE in here, when you leave THEN there will be nobody in here." He then went on how you have to enforce policies.
Another great statement was "People seem to think we have some other obligation other than to open our doors and cook for them" "Fuck them, I work twice as hard as they do"
He's brilliant in his observations. "Everybody's 7 years old. See that guy? He's got a job, a wife , he's gonna die, he's a good father...he's gonna to go to work on Wall Street and slaughter a third world nation and he's having chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast.""Good for him!"
I can't really relay how sincere this man is, but the core of him is his work ethic. The main point being is that there is you(cooking) and the customer. The only thing between you and them is a plate of food. Your only job at that point is to make them happy. If you don't you've failed. You've given the customer nothing and you've failed in your job. Although his style is what I'd call cool ass, funky, real diner food, this ethic can be applied at any level. We must simply make people happy with our food. Fuck ourselves and our ego. Fuck our white coats and our "look at my custom made Bonnet cooking suite" bullshit. The essence of what we do is simple and clear and it is our only obligation. Strip it down and we're paid servants. Most couldn't handle that realization. I think it makes us better than most. We're content in our place.
Finally, his most endearing belief; " People have to realize that they are pieces of shit. All the people everyone thinks of as "good"people are also pieces shit. Constantly telling yourself you're a good person is like driving a brand new car without a scratch on it, it's an enormous responsibility that is almost impossible to live up to. But if you realize you're a piece of shit, and you can do one or two good things for people, then you're ok." Right on Kenny. Right fucking on.

It Must Be Great To Own Your Own Restaurant

2004-10-10T11:35:00.000-07:00

Want it? Here's a good example of what a great day in the restaurant business is.
1) Buckets of rain have poured in under the molding and basically ruined a new carpet
2) No fish. Fed X didn't deliver as I was assured. (12:00)
3) Call local fish company. Listen to a five minute message about how they don't have anything.
4) 8 people for lunch
5) Sautee cook calls in can't work because of burn on foot. Can't blame them, it was pretty bad. I remember how bad mine was when I worked on it.
6) Call the fish company to track package...they call Fed X who asssures them it's on the van. (12:45)
7) Pm dishwasher still in jail..AM guy has to cover ....again.
8) Notice water has run down underneath the wall and the suface of the wall are lifting
9) Fish company calls to tell me my package is NOT on the van, but at the station and I have to go pick it up.
10) Call Fed X to find out why my package wasn't delivered, they can't find it. The bitch says she's gonna check into it and call me back. Never calls back (3:30)
11) Call Fed X AGAIN, This time they say they found it and the manager himself is going to deliver it personally. Thank God.
12) Write new menu to include incoming specialty fish
13) 5:30 pm.....still no fish. Call Fed X.....now no one knows what's going on. The assumption that the manager was waiting until closing time was made and I should just give them a little more time. Half an hour until service.
14) 6:00 no fish. We have to start out by telling the customers what we don't have. Impressive huh?..Fuck you Fed X.
15) 7:30 ..Fed X driver shows up with package. Says he just found out about it 20 min ago. These fuckers have been lying all day. Sorry. Put that shit back on your truck and get the fuck out of here.
16) Lady eats the Steamed Chocolate Pudding and halfway through asks if it has walnuts in it. Yes it does. She's of course, allergic. She told the waiter beforehand but the dumbfuck waiter didn't feel the need to relay the message to the kitchen.
17) Waiter complains about a 15% tip. The tip was $120.00. That's one table.
18) Recently repaired hood fan starts making bad bearing noises. Last year one let go and flew down the hood. My sous chef almost shit his pants. That was funny. The $3000 repair bill was sickening.
19) Lady come in drunk and wants chicken. Husband is visibly embarrassed as he should be, she was also hideous. She then says she wants a beer. A Corona Light. I thought she said beer, not piss. We don't have that garbage, so they left.
I'm sure there were other minor annoyances but you get the idea. I have to be honest and say sometimes I don't know if it's really worth it. Then you get the knowledgable foodie you send into ecstacy and it brings it all home.
Yes. Unfortunately, it IS all worth it.

Scar Wars

2004-10-07T10:45:00.000-07:00

If this post doesn't prove the depths of our insanity, our absolute despisal of convention and rules I don't know what does. I'm talking about burns and scars. One of my cooks spilled a five gallon bucket of stock on herself last night and we all got to watch the skin peel off her foot. Neat huh? This same cook was browning some pork shanks last week and carelessly threw a shank into the oil. It also burned the skin right off her arm. Wow. She was on a roll. She's a really good cook and person so I attributed it to God's punishment of the good as I always do. Anyway, when these mishaps occurred the thing that told me I have yet another badass in the kitchen is she didn't cry out. She didn't bitch like a baby for hours. None of this.." I have to go to the hospital" pussy ass shit. I can't stand people that whine about getting burned like they're 2 years old. Fuckin' suck it up. Oh she was pissed, but she simply bandaged up and continued working.
Our scars are another bonding badge of honor. We all have them and we all talk about them with some perverse pride. Why? Because it DOES make us more badass than most. Most people if they got injured with the regularity we do, as a way of life, would find another line of work. Why? Because they're pussies that's why. Anthony Bourdain acknowleged that a kick ass female line cook with a bunch of burns on her arms is wonderful thing. I agree. Weird. Our scars also indentify us. I was sitting in a hotel bar one night maybe, 10-12 years ago and the waitress (hot of course) asked where I cooked at. I was in a different city so no one knew me. When I asked how she knew what I did for a living she kind of laughed and said.."Dude... look at your arms."... I looked down at them and sure enough...the telltale burns gave it all away. I admired her for picking up on this and rewarded her with a big fatty rail. Unfortunately, she wouldn't stop the coke babble and drove my nuts. I didn't even want to take her home at that point which was my initial plan.
One of my worst happened when someone left the gas on overnight in an oven where the pilot light was blown out. I reached in to light it and all I remember was a BOOM!! A great white flash, the smell of burning hair and then watching my arm turn into a s'more right before my eyes. It was fucking bad.Real bad. Size wise and seriousness wise. I love when people say it must be great to be a Chef. I'd usually like to throw hot oil on them and steal their wallet. That's what it's like.
I like my scars. I don't try to hide them or keep a burn from leaving a scar. I'm proud of them. It let's me and the world know I hate anything safe and conventional. I like sitting around with cooks talking about our injuries like the scene in Jaws where Hooper and Quint are comparing scars. It is part of who we are . The closest thing to pirates our safe, inhibited society will allow.

Quick Corporate Redux

2004-10-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

My rant against corporate restaurants is not a rant against all corporations. They're not all evil. Some are founded by good, well intentioned people who have taste and sophistication and have pooled together their resources, realizing they are stronger as a unit than individuals to spread their philosophies about dining to a greater audience. They help create a more food savvy culture. We know the corporate shitheads I'm talking about as they exist in every field. The ones that care more about dumping pablum on the masses and keeping the complacent dullard mollified. Fuck them!

side note: I'm thinking of creating an actual interactive website where you, the jaded kitchen dog or insulted wealthy pain in the ass could speak with me at certain times. Yes, think about it Rhonda ( I know you still read this)..you would be able to talk in real time with me and I could tell you what I think of things so near and dear to you. Your hairdo. Your outdated tastes in food. Your uptight bullshit. Offensive t-shirts might also be available as I want to create as much havoc as possible to wake people up. Nothing seems to do it better than brutal honesty. More on this sometime.

When Will This Go Away

2004-10-05T19:42:00.000-07:00

Fucking rim garnishing. Hasn't this silly fad died out already? It's the hallmark of bad cooking. The focal point of a dish should be the dish itself. This terrible habit of throwing parsley, paprika any type of seasoning mix or even syrups and oils on the rim of the plate makes me want to kill even more. It serves no purpose other than distracting a diner from the (usually) atrociousness of a dish. I don't know how it started and I was even guilty of it for about a month in the mid 80's but now it seems like every single culinary Picasso feels the need to finalize his masterpiece by throwing a bunch of shit on it. Pure lilly gilding that adds nothing but a potential mess to a dish. Refine..refine...simplicity...purity. These are the hallmarks of good cooking and good presentation. Not distraction. Or a mess on the diners sleeve. The elements of a dish should be in the dish itself not thrown all around it like some spastic mongoloid is at the helm. I'm not talking about the cerebral level of cooking where a "deconstruction" of a dish is presented. Or in the case of Ferran Adria where each element is part of a great culinary puzzle. It another one of those goddamned culinary shortcuts that prevent a cook/chef from concentrating what he's creating. No matter what he/she/heshe comes up with, a liberal scattering of some substance over the entire plate and VOILA!!! Art! "Look what I created!" It screams of tackiness and uncertainty. It's like a little kid creating what he feels is a masterpiece..."And this green fuzzy stuff over here!...That's a tree Daddy!"...
Please for the love of God stop this horrible fad.It's natural to go through garnishing trends until you fall into your own style, just don't keep on with them. You have do learn what not to do in order to learn what TO do. There is nothing more appealing than perfection surrounded by a pristine frame. Nothing to pull your eye away from the main attraction. When you think it needs one more thing"...stop..reel it in and see how perfect what your covering up is.
Leave this for the coporate chain restaurants to use as more of their "flair".

Shithead Du Jour

2004-10-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

Haven't had this in a while. A dine and dasher. On one hand I can relate to ripping something off and I'm all for it, but since this was my money a whole cinematic scene unfolded in my mind. I always envision things in movie form and this was no exception. This asshole ran out on a soup, a foie gras app.,a mammoth bone in ribeye, whatever he was drinking and dessert. Around $65-$70 not to mention stiffing the waiter. I went looking for him , hoping, PRAYING I would find him. No such luck but what I envisioned was catching him and giving him one of three options (after smashing his face into a brick wall once or twice)
1) simply come back and pay for his meal
2) I could call the cops
3) I could cut the steak out of his stomach.

Option one is what probably would have happened. Option three is what I would have loved to perform on him. Option two is a last resort because I hate involving cops in anything. I have no need to involve municipal bag boys who's job it is to turn a blind eye to crime and generate revenue for a municipality. I don't so much hate cops as I do the laws they support.

I just thought it would be great to see Michael Madson revive his Mr.Pink(?) role in Reservoir Dogs and cut the meal from this asshole's stomach with the same calmness and psychotic glee he tortured the cop with in the film. Was that not one of the most heartwarming and uplifting scenes in ANY movie? Dancing around with the severed ear .." Hello Hello" he asks it..then asks the cop .."Did you hear that?"

Hey Fuckhead there is a code of honor among thieves. Don't fuck over the little guy!

It's Not As Good As You Would Make!

2004-09-30T13:07:00.000-07:00

This is one of the most annoying parts of our being a Chef. It's people thinking that we are expecting mind blowing, multi course meals when all we want is someone to cook for us. I've always said my favorite meal is the one I don't have to cook. For Christ's sake even my own mother would say"It's not as good as you would make" when it was in fact better because she made it. Nothing I can ever even hope to make will ever match the satisfaction I get from her food. How could it?
People get all nervous when they invite us over for dinner because they think we're going to judge their food. That drives me up a wall. I makes me on edge because(besides the fact other humans are around) no one relaxes. The constant "What would you do?"..or looking to another party goer" Well, it better be good, you're cooking for a Chef!" ..I hate that shit. I'm there as a drug addled guest and it's not a professional housecall. I don't care what you make. It's great. We're not even thinking about it usually. Any chef that would critique the food of a friend's dinner is a total jack-off. A pompous fuckhead.
When I'm off, I'm not a Chef..I'm just a dude. If I'm paying for my meal, you better believe I'm going to judge every single element. I'm going to look at the bottom of the plate when I sit down. I'm going to look at who makes the silverware. I'm going to judge it against every single thing I do in my place. If it's better I'm going to be pissed. If it's worse I'll be content.
If you're cooking for us when we're off, don't worry...relax...we're just happy to have someone else do it. I'll be in charge of spilling drinks and spray painting a skunk stripe on your dog.

Yet More Brunch Highlites

2004-09-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

I couldn't sleep after a suprisingly busy Saturday night. For some reason I kept thinking about my health and telling myself I have to quit smoking. Of course, keeping yourself awake for no reason is excellent for not smoking. So I was even more overjoyed at the prospect of another brunch. I forgot to mention my other favorite people who are the ones who show up before you open. Just reverse the 20 minutes until you close rant and you have the polar opposite pain. Most of the customers today were regulars so it was relatively painless. My sous-chef and I amused ourselves by running interference on a friend of ours trying to get laid by using text messages. I love technology. High tech juvenile delinquency. I forgot I had to pay extra for text messages.
Anyway it was busy but oddly we had a good time.I think it was ok because most people ordered the cool, trippy sounding egg dishes and very few boring 2 eggs scrambled with bacon. We had a good time until......the 2 old ladies spawned from the mouth of Hell entered. Early.
"Do we get coffee?!" Yes. If you fucking order it.
Then their food came but it was too hot(thermally, not spiciness) to eat. Then they said it got too cold for them to eat. Right. They actually complained about the food being too hot and then too cold. At this point, I usually give the waiter carte blanche to deal with them as they see fit which is usually handled by ignoring their table. I have a full restaurant of people enjoying themselves and us and honestly, I just don't need or care about these 2 old complaining bitches. They have relegated themselves to being OUR victims. Anyway, they complained about EVERYTHING, not realizing the more one complains the less they'll get. If they were cool old ladies we might have taken the dish off the bill, but they wanted to play hardball with the major leaguers. So they get nothing. After they left, all was well and we all insulted them heartily. Then the phonecalls. FOUR of them!! They called us four fucking times and bitched. They even called the person who gave them a gift certificate and bitched to them. This was a GOOD day at brunch. It can never just be totally painless. Unless of course you're still flying high on Percodans and booze from the night before. Trust me though, they rarely last past 12:30 . Prime brunch time.
That is really all that happened today. I had some friends in and I didn't actually involve myself that much in the whole brunch "experience". Now however, it's on to the dinner shift.

Corporate Brilliance

2004-09-25T23:32:00.000-07:00

Here's something else that's been driving me crazy for a while. I'm fucking sick of corporate think tanks putting their collective heads together to come up with "concepts" and naming them something dumb.Maybe their idea of "kooky funny" with lots of appeal to the average dolt. . P.W Skidoos, R.J. O'Malleys, C.W. McGirk's, Munchies, Hooter's, Bubba Gump's, Eatzies...you get the picture. These are the same geniuses who have spent millions on research to find out what we want is an retiree welcoming us to a store. No, what we want is someone to ring us up faster. Maybe I'm in the minority, but when I go somewhere, generally I know where I am. They train waitstaffs to be your buddy (telling you their name is fine, but let's not get chummy friend) instead of teaching them about service an instilling in them to maybe learn about the product they're selling. A good example is Bob Brown. Doesn't he look approachable? Looks like great fun at parties too! I'll bet he's just a regular guy like us too. Fucking neatnick. This ridiculous asswipe has made a career of teaching waitstaff silly sales"techniques". One of his techniques is called " The Columbo Move"...it's where you walk away and suddenly turn ( as if to remember something important) and mention it..."Oh, I just remembered our Extreme Fajitas, anybody interested?". It is EXACTLY like the scene in Office Space about flair. Another favorite technique of his is to nod yes while going over the menu. Like an intelligent diner is susceptible to this. Maybe if they would stop trying to cater to puppets, they might realize most people are intelligent enough to make choices based on their wants. Ok, maybe not MOST people, just the ones I want to comprise our society. Here's what intelligent people want. Informed, professional unobtrusive service. I hate when some cookie cutter moony, parroting a scripted greeting can't even tell you how the soup is made. Or mispronounces things . Or doesn't even have the slightest interest in what their occupation consists of. In any field, the reason you do it should be interest. If it isn't, you're flat out going to suck at it. Granted, most people don't want to be waitpeople, but the one's who succeed the most are the ones who become an expert on demand. They've chosen the interest of making money and our willing to use all the tools at their disposal. Their brain. Not annoying schmarm. Or ditzy cuteness. Pride and professionalism will reward more in the long run and is far less degrading.
Why our we dumbing down our society? I know, I know...a dumb and docile group is easier to exploit. Do you think corporations and the like want a populace of free thinkers? To much trouble to separate them from their money.
Next time someone approaches your table, beat them to the punch with " Hi (insert name of whatever's-buddy), I'm Norman and this is my wife Carolyn. We'll be your diners tonight!"It usually lets them know you want service and not a pal.
At the very least it might get you labeled an asshole which is always good.

Dickhead Chefs

2004-09-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

I was reading my weekly pile of trade mags today( I've always felt they should produce a trade mag called Shitter Magazine as this is where 97% of what's written in them belong). All of these mags are produced for the corporate "bottom line" and have nothing to do with integrity in ANY area. There are some useful bits of info, but for the most part they are about how to mollify the masses and keep the corporate higher ups in tacky suits and they're wives in too much makeup. Anyway, what always amazes me is how most of these shoemakers don't have the slightest realization that they have a responsibility to cuisine. What got me started thinking about this is when I saw a recipe for "Morrocan Rice Pudding". I was expecting, Morrocan spices, maybe a little honey, saffron or raisins SOMETHING that would denote the culture. Nope. It was just a name added to make it seem "ethnic". Perfect. It would make the sheep feel "adventuresome", and have absolutely no association with a culinarily brilliant culture or any of those pesky unfamiliar tastes. I hate this approach to cooking and menu nomenclature. The using and abusing of cultures to sell something without giving even the slightest props to them. You've all probably seen it. Cajun Eggrolls. KungPao Quesadillas. Sante Fe Pasta Primavera. To cook any type of ethnic food, you have to put yourself in the frame of mind of the particular culture. Would this ingredient be used in a particular cuisine? What are the similarities between the different cultures that are being combined? Do they share technique? Is is a sensible blending?Very few are. Nine times out of ten they don't even understand the culinary history of the cultures they're playing with. This is why I hate fusion. "Look, I have black beans! And I have egg roll skins!" "I've got an idea!!!" Yeah me too. I'll get the 12 gauge, you get the apple! Foods put together by ungrounded and unprincipled idiots who don't realize we also have a role as teachers. It is us who open the world to people through food and not mislead . These guys are the guys who wouldn't hesitate to put on a silly hat and perform virtually any undignified stunt to call attention to themselves. The ones in the chile pepper coats. The whacky colored headbands. Who dress their kids up in those wretched baby sized chef's clothes. You can travel the entire world through food and they don't even want to pull out of the driveway. Just because you CAN do something with ingredients, doesn't mean you should. These clowns are far more devastating to the palate than virtually anything else. Not teaching people the greatness of cultures and cuisine, but dumbing it down. making it approachable for the "guy next door". Fuck him. If he is too timid, so weak-kneed that he is afraid of a plate of food, he doesn't deserve to eat. Anything.
It's like saying Brittany Spears is a singer(sure, I'm sure she has skills, but singing isn't one of them!). Or Barbara Cartland is a novelist. By default I guess they are what they are labeled. But true artists/craftspeople will still vomit in their graves!

One In Every Crowd

2004-09-22T22:43:00.000-07:00

This is the reverse of what you probably think I'm going to say. No, there's not an asshole in every crowd, crowds are composed of assholes. There's one stellar diner or incident that makes it all worth it. We Chefs know the "common" palate, but it's not just relegated to chefs. In virtually every field, the passionate ones are the ones who watch the cattle going to their shutes and scream WHY!!!! Why are you leading yourself to slaughter? Passion is so unrewarded it makes it almost seem pointless. Pointless that is until you change a person's idea of food and dining. I had a vegetarian deuce the other night and I was kind of bored so I offered them a vegetarian tasting menu. One of them seemed enthused but he other was rather blase about it. I think he was a vegetarian by virtue of trying to get pussy and going along with the whole situation.I can't blame him. You gotta do what you gotta do. They both went for it. I can't remember how many courses, 7-8 if I recall( each course 2 distinctly different plays on the same items) and I like to get feedback after each course. One was ecstatic the whole way and the other seemed like they could care less. Until a simple course of Chilled Hearts of Celery with a Saffron and Sultana Vinaigrette hit, he came alive. I couldn't believe it. I was beginning to lose hope in him and something as simple as celery. I was shocked. In a good way. When they left they were so amazingly thankful that it made all the nightmares of this occupation worth it. Brief instances like this are the greatest rewards for pursuing one's passions. Not the slobs who want a "big ol' plate" of food. Not the rich pricks who have all the money in the world and live for acquisition, but don't enjoy their toys. Not the families who are being reared to be complacent in their tastes but forceful in their needs. I'm talking about the people who's mind gets opened with great flavors and tactile sensations. Sensations they never even knew they had. This is when I know I've done my job well. That rare, brief instant where the reaction of the customer tells you what all your sacrifice and headaches is about. Customers that notice the details. When they tell you" You really put your heart in what you do and it shows". It can come from someone simply noticing how good the butter is or when they slump back in their chairs pie eyed, content and there's not a morsel left on their plate. They're happy. THIS is the greatest feeling. If they get it from my most envelope pushing stuff, then I have hope because I know they have open minds.

There's still the other 30 shitheads ahead and behind them though. But they don't even exist when one person notices your effort. Hope. The scourge of principled dreamers. That's all we got.

The Restaurant Club

2004-09-19T11:16:00.000-07:00

Something I was thinking about is how all of us in the business are related. Most of us have never met each other. Yet by virtue of our profession we remain close colleagues. It's like a big psychotic fraternity. we can go anywhere in the world and find comfort in a kitchen. All cooks and kitchen's run with 95% percent the same deviance, dedication and purpose. What got me thinking about this was cooking in Mexico for a couple weeks. Within 2 days, the saute guy gave me the "Psst..come here look." He then pulled out a little bag of coke and I disappeared into the bathroom. While I was cringing, I kept thinking how funny it was that we're all the same no matter where you are . The psychosis of cooking breaks down virtually all walls and builds bonds stronger than most. A bonding of souls I guess. Similar to cops, fireman and other alienating professions where only the people in that group can relate. Ever notice how uncomfortable it feels to be around the "regular"public? Maybe that's just me.
Put me in a room of non-restaurant people and I'm ready to slit my throat in 10 minutes. I simply don't know what a normal life is. Put me in a room of restaurant people and I'll laugh and party all night. This business does ruin you. I find calm, everday life incredibly dull now. I crave action at all times. I think I've developed A.D.D. from years of 60 second deadlines. But the funny thing is, I like it. I like being part of a fucked up group of people. People who I might add work their asses off, any of who's backs I've got. I don't care if you've quit on me, fucked me up somehow in this business. If you're still in it, I'm with you till death. Like one big dysfunctional family. PERFECT! Besides, we've been ruined...what else COULD we do. Personally I'd be a military sniper, but now I'm too old. Maybe freelance.

"You Know What You Should Do?"

2004-09-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

Vomit on your shoes??Don't you just fucking love suggestions from people who aren't even in a particular field? Oh I'm sure someone will use the non-sensical argument of objectivity from a customers viewpoint, but we're all customers of lots of businesses and I never feel the need to critique them. I just leave them alone and get what I need. I'll critique a restaurant to pieces though, because it's what I know. Plus I enjoy it.
I don't mind when a suggestion is useful , and a lot of customers offer plenty. I'd be a fool if I didn't listen to some of them. I'm talking about the suggestions that only apply to an individual's spoiled neediness. When they say.."You know what you should do?"Most times what they're really saying is "Here's what you should do FOR ME". Something more than give you my life perhaps? Something more than risk an entire career's worth of work and future financial stability? Great ideas like" You should have high chairs" Why? Why would I want your spawn around screaming, puking and annoying my guests. . If I wanted kids I'd have some. I'll take everything else thanks. Another great one is .."You know what you should do? You should have specials like...you know..two for one or something" Really? That's just brilliant. I wonder what business they're in . Maybe if they sell cars they should give 2 for one sometime. If they're a doctor, some free medical work would be great! Another good one was "you should paint the walls a deeferent color..something bright..bright greens and reds and purples!!"..Umm, you're tacky and gross, but you're right..I'll repaint everything to appeal to your lack of taste. Right after licking your ass for a dollar.
Everyone knows how everything should be done. I always suggest since they're experts in virtually every field, they should roll the dice and open their own place of business, We could all learn from them. Responder Rhonda is one of these. I'm sure she like to walk in, spend as little as possible and tell all her traditional bridge playing friends what anyplace should do. I don't go to where she works and slap the dick out of her mouth! Sorry cupcake, but you brought this on yourself and I will never, EVER give you peace.
My aunt once told me "There's no such thing as constructive criticism.Just criticism!" the longer I go on, I see where she was coming from.
(She also rebuffed the idea of running as exercise by saying " I never run. Look at animals. They only run if they're being chased!")
So please if you want to offer suggestions, take a minute and think if you're speaking from a general standpoint or if you're only thinking about yourself.

Filler Vent

2004-09-19T01:53:00.000-07:00

I fucking hate computers. I had a post and I got disconnected and lost it. Isn't technology marvelous? A perfectly good rant. Gone. I'm still on piece of shit AOL. I'll post a couple tommorow . Thanks to all who can relate to the things I bitch about. Even though none of us have met, we're all brothers and sisters in this ridiculous business. Oh and Rhonda, you're obviously the customer we all hate you pain in the ass. I can tell because you seem all riled up when your servant speaks up. Now piss off!

Prick Hit List

2004-09-13T23:10:00.000-07:00

Here's some of the biggest assholes I've ever come across. Not all customers, but all worthy of being left alone in a room with any seasoned kitchen dog.

We once opened a restaurant in North Carolina. After a few weeks, it was smooth enough to actually get out of there after service. I was at my rented cottage when I got a call from the frantic manager. "We've run out of cheesecake and there's some asshole lawyer(surprise!) pitching a bitch about it." He demanded to speak to the Chef(tip-never..EVER demand) like I was going to go out and whip him up one. "Hello, this is Chef----, I understand your having a rather bad time, what can we do for you?""DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!! I'M ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL LAWYERS AROUND, I GET DRUG DEALERS, MURDERER'S OUT OF JAIL!!" (He actually said this) YOUR MENU SAYS CHEESECAKE AND I WANT IT!" He already lost what little respect I could pretend to muster up so I went with it. "Look, I don't know who you are and I really don't care, as far as I'm concerned you're a loudmouth scumbag causing a scene in my restaurant. We're out of cheesecake, I'm not coming in to make you one and what you're going to do is have any other dessert on me or I'm going to call the police and have you removed from the restaurant. You're absolutely powerless right now and if you try to leave without paying, I'll have your ass arrested for shoplifting." He must have been stunned, I guess most people are intimidated by his wealth and hot air. I hate him for it. "I'm sorry" he said"No need to threaten me with the police."...what a gutless worm.

I served a piece of beautiful grouper over a Salade Nicoise once. Some group of Florida rednecks complained it was cold. It was. It was a hot night and it was a salad. He took one of the hard cooked eggs and dropped it in the waitresses hand and said "Take this to the kitchen...tell them it's cold". She was almost in tears which usually does nothing but piss me off even more, but I could tell they were tears of absolute frustration with this dick. He then made the mistake of coming into the kitchen. I guess he was going to get me straight. He was also old. An old, ignorant redneck..How perfect! It's funny when people do things like this because the kitchen becomes eerily silent. " So you're the Chef?" " So you're the asshole" " You need to go back to school" "You need to go back to Florida redneck" "Yeahhhh, I AMMMM A REDNECK" he proclaims proudly " I used to own a restaurant ( hasn't everyone?) and your arrogance is going to make you broke!!' "I'm already broke. And your being an asshole is going to get your ass kicked!" I "helped" him back out and they were simply made to pay and leave. On the way out, his wife dropped her pants and mooned the entire dining room. It was a frightening ass too. Even a sexist pig like myself couldn't see any use in it.

One time in DC, a incredibly rich customer felt the need to instruct my Latino utility workers how to clean properly.He made them clean everything again. I heard about this the next day from one of them. Turns out he threatened them with INS and all the other bullshit. They were fucking scared shitless and honestly, I don't know why he did it. I know he wanted to become a partner in the restaurant group I was with,,,but I still don't know what his problem was. He always wore a Captain's hat though. THAT should have told me something.Like he was crazy.He showed up again like clockwork the next day and I was polite to him.."Mr. Whatever, I realize you're used to getting your way because you're rich, but this is MY kitchen and your money doesn't mean shit to me. These people work harder than you ever have, and if I ever hear of you intimidating them or abusing them in any way, I'll fuck you up so bad there will be nothing but a little puddle of piss on the ground with a captain's hat on it." " How dare you try to strongarm me!" he responded. "Man, lemme tell you. If I try to strongarm you you're gonna know it Cappy!" The saddest part if came later when the General Manager told me he really respected what I said, but I can't talk to customers like that. "I know Doug, that's YOUR job!". This was a guy from the mindset that money was more important than how the workers were treated. He made me sick. I had to have him fired.

A corporate suck up manager once told me " You're a really great Chef, but you need to be more corporate." I guess he felt he was my boss. He was fired a few weeks later and I was flying with the owners to L.A for menu research.

What is with these corporate sheep???Doing and acting how society tells them . I hate sheep. They should be roasted and served hot.

Just a quick note. I've been in this business since I was 14 and have never been late or fired. I do my job above and beyond BUT I'm still true to myself, my beliefs and have never nor will never take or put up with bullshit. Especially from people so low on the stature list that all they have is money to intimidate with. All I can think of is where they keep their jewelry.

Eeeeewww ...How Can You Eat That?

2004-09-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

I love the American palate. Numbed by years of bland, processed foods, quick monochromatic meals and virtually devoid of anything remotely ethnic or God forbid, different. This is a generalization of course as I also know a LOT of Americans with outstanding food tastes and adventurous minds. I'm talking about the people who refuse to see the greatness in in a culinary journey. They want food that is safe and familiar. Familiar is boring. Sure we all get a craving for some simple homecooking but as a way of life? Forget it.

This is a cool article.
http://newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/food/features/n_10380/index.html

I find very little in that article I wouldn't eat. To me, these are the things that make the activity of eating exciting. Organ meats are especially dear to me. I could never figure out why people make silly faces when confronted with the unfamiliar. You can eat one muscle or piece of flesh but not another. Why? Because we as Westerners( for the most part) have the linear Western thought process. If it's unfamiliar, it's bad. I despise that way of thinking as it not only applies to food but virtually any other area from writing to getting fucked up. I might be guilty of habit when it comes to eating on my days off as I only really want Vietnamese or Sushi but these are the cravings that have developed all week from dealing with predominantly "traditional" foods. Except of course for the duck tongues, sturgeon marrow, monkfish liver, tripe etc,,,but even these become passe when you deal with them on a daily basis. I've eaten crispy grasshoppers and found them delicious. I've had what I think was dog( My ex-Filipino sous chef brought some food from his parents, and I asked him what kind of meat it was..dog? he just grinned..it was kind of gamey and stringy) it was ok, but not great and I would eat it again. Worm lollipops in Mexico tasted like lollipops with a sweet, crunchy surprise center. Again in Mexico, cow lip tacos fucking rocked as did the goat head menudo brought from my host's sister. Congealed duck blood at a Chinese place in DC ( I forgot the name) was like slightly warm, coppery jello. I absolutely LOVE the taste of blood. I sometimes wish I were a vampire. No, a real one, not the "Look, I'm wearing black and haven't seen sunlight " Goth "vampires" waiting to move out of their parent's home. They kind that sinks his teeth into a vein and sucks the blood. I also think it's truly hot. Old school.
One of my favorite food movies (Asian of course, do they make great food and splatter movies or what?) Eat a Bowl of Tea.(it's been a while. Lot's of chemicals and other food flics have gone through me and I'm pretty sure this was the movie) In it, 2 characters are the ultimate foodies. Proceeding each fuck scene is an even greater food scene. The male character in the end dies, and his dying words were to his lover were "Have you ever eaten a yam from the intestine of a wild boar in Winter?" apparently the digestion and heat cook the yam, the pig's metabolism sped up from trying to stay warm in Winter.
I wanna hang out with people that into food. The pursuit of a passion so great it IS the point of living. It makes everything else seem so..ordinary.

Torture Redux

2004-09-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

Here's a few things I had to deal with from Fri-Sun

Fri night....3 top walks in and announces "We're here for shrimp!" ( we don't have any shrimp on the menu) again.."We're here for shrimp!"..great! You're here for shrimp. I guess they thought they walked in to Captain D's. "We're here for shrimp!" a third time to the waiter. By this time I wanted to pound shrimp up their asses and they've lost all possibility of receiving anything more than a cursory glance and a refill of their sweet tea. Being in a tourist town, these situations are more common than one might think. Other than those tacky Parrotheads it was a fairly uneventful night.
Sat lunch- Dead until a quarter till we close ( classic are you still open scenario) about 10 people walk in and I had to leave, leaving my sous chef to deal with them. I simply cannot deal with people who know your hours and show up to keep any-nighttime prep from getting done. You know what? Fuck off. I can't force joviality or even tolerance for that matter. I think we all should make a point to find out where these people work and go there 1o minutes before they close. Then keep them until long past closing.
Sat PM- decent night until......"There's a party of chef's from New York on 63 and their ripping the menu apart. When people have to announce what they do and where they're from, they're usually pricks. "We're from San Francisco." Oh. Well I guess whatever we do won't be good enough. Say, could you live in more of a police state? "We're from New York and we're very picky" Did you say pricky? Yes. You certainly are. Getting back to the assholes on 63, they asked the waiter his name and he told them. They decided he looked more like an Alan so that's what they were going to call him. Along with every other possible nickname. Chief, friend, pal, champ..you know, endearing terms from slobs. At this point I asked my wife for permission to turn their table over and throw them the fuck out of there...it's all about respect. If you act like that big of an asshole, I won't hesitate to ridicule you to the point of turning you into a little, quivering mass of protoplasm. This is especially good in front of all present, AND they still have to pay. If they want to get uppity, I'll be glad to throw them through the front door and kick them until they cough up blood. I'm working on my temper. The next group of 4 came in and sat for 20 minutes asking if we had chicken. Do you see fucking chicken on the menu? They don't eat seafood. They don't eat pork. They don't want duck. Whatever. They just left which gave us all a sigh of relief. Trash. Go to the Colonel's.
SUN BRUNCH- Suprisingly, not that horrible. I didn't actually cook it so I just walked around, avoided interacting with the customers, drank coffee and read the paper and ate lots of meat.
Sun Pm- 4 top of fat, overly made up ladies in cute little appliqued sweaters decided to leave because we didn't have " a big steak". Fuck them too. I decided to do some paperwork at the bar, which was promptly interupted by " Some friends of a friend" who suggested they come by and annoy me. I hate idle chit chat and smalltalk. I don't want to hear about your boring, drug-free life, your dull touristy activities or especially your kids. I want to do my work undisturbed. Ever been forced to feign interest in someone so unbelievably dull, that you actually start to fall asleep when they talk? I looked down at my legal pad and noticed I had to write their names down because I forgot them as soon as they told me. I walked outside to smoke a cigarette when I was immediately accosted by a piece of shit asking if I had an extra cigarette. "Yeah, this pack had 21 in it" I said, followed by a " Go buy a pack shithead!"

Here is the ultimate dilemma. I am in a business and city based on sociability. I am the most anti-social person on earth. I could live my entire life with no human interaction at all. Ok, some..I like my friends. We have the same interests. I wish I had an invisible suit so no one could see me. I love making them happy with my food, but I want no fanfare, a simple thanks will do. Honest understanding and appreciation. I hate strangers coming up to me, looking in my grocery cart and asking me what I'm making for dinner. None of your fucking business. I'll talk about food with food people I respect other than that, please, don't speak to me. I'm surrounded by people 24-7 and my only pursuit these days is solitude.

Are You Still Open?

2004-09-11T10:43:00.000-07:00

Here's a question. Does anybody own a Godamned watch anymore? And if so, do you ever look at the fucking thing? What's up with people walking in at 5 minutes until a restaurant closes? What fun is it being the object of ridicule and scorn from the kitchen( who have been cleaned up 20 minutes before you got there) and the waitstaff who really love to wait around for you to decide what you want 10 minutes after the restaurant is closed. I'm not talking about if it's busy, when everything is going at full pace anyway, I'm talking about a Wednesday night, in the slowest part of summer. Or my personal favorite, people who run late for their reservation at 9:00. You know the ones. They call and say they'll be a few minutes late (which inevitably turns into 20-30 minutes). Is it really that fucking hard to meet a deadline? Everywhere you look there are timepieces. Watches, clocks, on your cell phone, pda and on your computer. EVERYWHERE! The absolute favorite are the people that decide they need to not only place their order after the restaurant is closed( OHHH THE POWER!), but decide they need to ask every single question possible about the menu. All questions answered. Then they have whatever it is they didn't want to know about. Or better yet. "We'll just have some soup.".
Soup. The restaurant has been waiting for your ass to show up and you have the balls to hold everybody up for a bowl of soup. Here's the actual translation of what the waiter says.."Not a problem"= "Go fuck yourself you cheap, self-important prick" then it's back to the kitchen. "They're just having soup." "WE WAITED AROUND FOR THESE CHEAPASSES" "WHAT A COUPLE TURDS!".

Sometimes being late is unavoidable, but 9 times out of 10 it's because shitheads didn't want to rush. Or they forgot. You forgot? Well, if remembering your dinner reservation isn't important to you, then I guess you don't care about what you're going to eat. All the high wire, envelope pushing food comes off the menu and you get a steak. If you don't care, we don't care. It's all about mutual respect. I've always held that restaurant staffs are the last whipping boys for the statureless. How important you must feel after having spent all week following your orders like good little sheep, being able to be a thorn in the side of somebody who has to try to make YOU happy. If that's how you feel, if you feel we're your slaves. Take a running fuck at a rolling doughnut. Respect us, show up on time and don't act like a pretentious jerk and you'll get our best. Treat us like shit and all we'll do is wish you were dead. Blunt but true.

Another Great Ted Line

2004-09-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

It's been raining non-stop for the last 2 days and I love it. I hate the sunlight and much prefer the dark. Anyway, here's another great Ted statement about vegetarians.

" I love vegetarians. They're all I eat."
-From Ted Nugent's Kill It and Grill It Cookbook-

My kinda guy.

Exactly

2004-09-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

I love money. I love material things. I love getting into a tricked out Camaro and smoking the Yokahamas down to the rim. Then I'll buy some more. Unfortunately, I'm usually broke because of this.

http://www.gateline.com/lifestyles/story/5386725p-5325194c.html

Wish I could sell out, but I love what I do too much. I blame a tasteless society for all my financial woes, but I know they're all my fault. I just can't do something "just for the money". I envy and pity those that can.

Food and Wine Snobs

2004-09-06T18:46:00.000-07:00

I ate a bunch of Valium last night each followed my a shot of tequilla. I forgot that your body only processes one at a time and basically holds the others in escrow.When I finally woke up, I started thinking about assholes who could never admit to the joys of a fast food burger, a bag of chips or a candy bar. Yeah. Food and wine snobs.
I'm not talking about the palateless walking tragedies to whom food is simply energy. They're a lost cause. But at least they don't make conscious decisions to be pretentious. They're just boring.
I'm talking about the people who are so elevated in their tastes that they would NEVER admit to a secret craving or ingesting something less than impressive to their social group. I deal with caviar, foie gras, the best meats and fishes money can buy. My table butter is beautiful artery clogging stuff from Australia. I provide luxury. It's my job my passion and it occupies almost every waking second. When someone says "It must be great to be a Chef." I think they're thinking it must be great to eat only the finest foods obtainable. Well, the sad fact is that most Chef's have probably the worst food cravings imaginable. I used to get off work and head to 7-11 for a Nestle's Quick and a microwave burrito. Or a weed induced raiding of Taco Bell. It's not that I don't want a steak tartare sometimes (raw meat? how could you ever turn down raw, dead cow?"), it's just that I have to switch gears for a minute to regroup . Thomas Keller once said that to appreciate the very best you must experience the very worst. It's true. For me at least. I might be guilty of taking this statement to the extreme, but that's me. I'm a creature of bad habit. I love junky burgers and my favorite snack is frozen Kit Kat bars. I once heard a food critic dolt remark how people that eat that stuff don't respect their palate. Please, the only temple my body is is the Temple of Doom. I put anything I want in it. No, maybe I don't respect my own palate but I respect immensely the palates of my diners and am developed enough to separate MY personal pleasures with what I do for a dyi...er..living. I am in fact most times 2 entirely different people. Conflicting duality. It drives me insane.

Wine snobs on the other hand are another bunch. They are actually more annoying than lawyers, who's company is usually present out of shear necessity. I don't drink that much wine ( The horrors!!!!) as the sulfites and tannins give me raging headaches. I can pair it with food but for the most part I prefer to drink water. I don't like alcohol unless I'm getting drunk. I've never been a social drinker. Ever been around a bunch of snivelling wine geeks? Not people who like it, drink it and appreciate it, but the people who make this great ceremony over it. People who go on and on about the virtues of the terroir. The people who walk in with their own Riedel glasses with balloon bowls bigger than their heads. Jerk-offs who frown upon anyone who drinks anything but wine with a meal ( I don't normally drink soda, but make an exception when surrounded by these people). People who place the pomp and circumstance of drinking wine above the actual wine itself. I hate these fucks. You know the types. They're the ones with the silly misconception that "everything's better with wine."or the "Save The Terroir" bumpersticker on the back of their Escalade. My personal favorites are the descriptors; "Tarry", "hints of lead pencil" "leathery"" hints of old cigar box""smokey bacon". Yummy!! I'll eventually develop my own wine dictionary that will have less subtle descriptors. "Laurel without being Hardy""playful without being ostentatious"" hints of young girls panties" "snakelike" traumatized""sketchy". My theory is that eating and drinking are subjective. If you prefer iced tea with your meal, it will taste better TO YOU than if you if you're brow beaten into drinking what someone says you should. They've imposed a rule on your likes and have negated the rules of dining pleasure. It's about what an individual likes. I want you to drink wine with your meal too. And lot's of it. But then I love high check averages. These people have their own passions and are welcome to it, but like any like or dislike, don't shove it my face! At least they have passion in something though.

I'll flip flop in a second when it comes to well done meats and overcooked foods, but this is the nature of a truly hypocritical iconoclast. Besides, everything goes better with pharmaceuticals.

Wine And Cheese Security Threats

2004-09-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

Here. Thank God the Department of Homeland Defense is looking out for our "safety" by creating more stringent import laws thereby depriving us of the best imported cheeses, wines and other foodstuffs. Punish the artisinal producers and the threats to national security who place pleasure over politics

http://www.wssa.com/government.aspx

I feel safer already knowing Pierre's cheese is sitting in a loading dock rotting. Of course this means nothing to the Department of Home Confinement. I'm sure they're happy with good ol' American cheese and some sweet tea.

Another Brunch

2004-09-05T11:28:00.000-07:00

This was even more excrutiating than normal. It was slow. Labor Day weekend and the elite have retreated to their safehouses for their 3 day weekend. So slow in fact if I could pull my own head off I would. But made it even worse, was I could hear the band. First off, I hate jazz..not all jazz , just the stuff that makes you feel like you're watching some black and white TV show with your parents WISHING you could escape outside to get high (of course you can!). You know, mellow "old favorites", requests from 75 yr old ladies. Men who in their mid 50's decided to "come out" which to them means turning up the collars on their polo shirts, losing their socks (WOW! talk about carefree!) and requesting something from the good ol' days. Jazz makes me feel old and the people that eat brunch out of tradition make me feel older. I hate anything that makes me feel that way. I want a metal brunch. I want L7, Blackflag and Suicidal Tendencies screaming and making people cry. I'm only 39 for Christ'ssake. I get younger every year actually.
I decided to actually cook myself something to eat and sit down and read the paper. Rice, black beans, 2 fried eggs, sausage and Latino cabbage slaw. It hit the spot hard. Then it happened. The sound that can make blood pressure squirt through your eyelids. Somebody had to bring their fucking spawn and it started it's bawling. Why do people have to bring their goddamned babies everywhere? There like little baubles these days. "look at MY baby!" ushiwuushi wushi wush..."He's so cuuuute" ...bbbbbb..... " awwww baby went potty'.." Baby's getting sicky"....Leave that filthy little thing at home until he's at least old enough to control his bowels!
I like when people breastfeed at the table. Ladies, please go to the bathroom . Nobody wants to see this when they're eating and believe me, we're all watching and making jokes about it. " I want some of what HE'S having!" "Do we just help ourselves?' are some of the better comments.

But Brunch is sooo fun! All you friends sitting around drinking cheap champagne!!! It's fun and sooo traditional! Fun?" Fuck fun! I quit school because of recess and my idea of fun isn't toe tapping tradition! Virtually everything I consider fun is illegal, immoral or boring by people who find fun in crowds!

This is what makes brunch so glorious. It is composed 95% of the worst of every social group. If you truly enjoy brunch, truly enjoy making people slaves to your sloth whimsy then I'm sorry, you're just an asshole. Trust me, it's not just me that thinks this. I just write it.

This Isn't About Food, But Still Vomit Inducing

2004-09-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/Northeast/08/09/cuddling.parties.2.reut/

What is everyone searching for? Life is shit. Is there really some "great elusive meaning?" I read this and actually felt nauseous. Find something you feel passionate about, pursue it with every fiber in your body and that's pretty much it. The rest is just distraction.

The theory? Helps restore a " touch deprived society". What happens if you touch someone in our society nowadays? I can't even lust after waitresses anymore without fear of getting sued.

My solution? Fill these freakshows with chronic ejaculators.

The Lowly Mackerel

2004-09-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

Every day I wonder why I do what I do. The hours, the predominantly unappreciative dining public, the endless five minute deadlines, the constant employee turnover, equipment breaking, the sacrifice of friends, family and celebration. The list goes on forever. But tonight I realized one of the most addictive reasons for me. Perfect natural products. Fruits, meats and fish that are so pristine...so unbelievably perfect and beautiful, that when you experience them you connect not only with the product itself, but with every person involved with it. You form a deep bond with total strangers because just by seeing what they provide, you know where their heads are at. Being a perfectionist is isolating. Few care about perfection. For me it's everything. It gives you hope to know others are out there.The relentless drive of principles and true work ethic.
Good enough is easy and easy is just that. Simple and lowbrow. I won't waste my time on it.

Here's a brief rundown of what came into my kitchen today; Spanish Mackerel, Sea Urchin, Fluke, John Dory, Bronzini , Hawaiian Opakapaka, (now that I'm writing this, I just realized my Sand Dabs didn't show...I totally spaced) Hand Harvested Abalone, Wild Alaskan Salmon. Each and every one of them was so perfect I had to stop and just look at them. Touch them. Think about them. I wondered if people are truly deserving of such perfection. They made everything I do seem somehow blasphemous. As if anything I could do could improve them. Cooking ANY of them seemed contrived. I wish I could just eat them raw. Take a whole side, raw, out to a table and have people eat it in it's absolute perfect state. Maybe a little fluer de sel, but THAT'S it.
Take for instance the mackerel. A marvelously unappreciated fish.I once had a customer say " Mackerel? We use that for bait." I wanted to kill him and use him for chum but then I thought fish are far too superior to eat shit like that. The Makeral's shape is sleek and it's skin silver, smooth and scaleless. Built for speed with little water resistance. It's like a little natural torpedo. Perfect in form and function. It's flesh rich, firm and ever so slightly tinted from it's natural oils. Only Japanese steel touches them. Perfectly forged razors are the only tool worthy of it. The combination of feeling hundreds of years of traditional Japanese steelmaking effortlessly slicing through a perfect example of natures handiwork makes everything seem in perfect harmony. Swordmakers tested their blades on cadavers so the whole thing seemed natural and not the least bit wasteful.
Another example is a perfect peach. Most of my stone fruit comes from Mariani Farms. I wonder after tasting their fruits if anybody has ever or WILL ever know what fruits taste like. You can smell them from across the room. They're like the most perfect little present you could open. Their juice is sweet and syrupy, fully developed sugars. You can taste them on your mind's palate before you even get close to them. Go into a grocery store's produce section and what do you smell? Nothing. There you are surrounded by mountains of innocuous products. All empty and devoid of any character. I like to equate these with the majority of the human race. When you deal with Mariani fruits, you also deal with principles. They're treated like little children. Nurtured on the tree to develop to their absolute potential. A picker then carefully cuts them by hand and then carefully places each one in it's own little cradle. No tree rake shaking them off by the dozen onto a tarp, so hard they won't bruise from the fall. Pump gas over them to speed up their "ripening". Sure they're just fruit, but it seems as though they appreciate the extra care. Children should be so lucky.
So this is one of the greatest reasons I do what I do. I deal with things most take for granted. I get to play on a whole different level. And it's more fun and in a way, elitist, than you could ever realize. The 20 Creme Brulees to 2 Roasted Doughnut Peach withVanilla Bean Ice Cream keep me grounded unfortunately.

There's No Such Thing As A Stupid Question

2004-09-02T20:39:00.000-07:00

Who came up with that line? Of course there is. Here's one; Why isn't red blue? Because it's fucking red! I ran my finger through a meatcutting saw one time, giving my index finger a nice Y shape and some moron asked me if it hurt.No. It felt fucking great, you should try it on your dick! Here's a few more actual questions from the dining elite that I've collected over the years.

" Do you take reservations?"
"No maam, I'm afraid we don't"
" Well if we call ahead, could you just hold a table for us"
-
" How much is your house salad?"
"$4.25"
"And how many does that serve?"
-
" Does the whole wheat/green olive crust taste different than the regular?
-
" I'll have a house salad plain, no dressing"
salad arrives
"WHAT, NO DRESSING?!" ( what the hell is up with salad people?)
-
" Are you a non-profit organization" (the Langioule steak knives must have given it away)
response? "Only at lunch"
-
" Is it cold in your dining room? Do provide shawls?"
Shawls? What the fuck is next? Catheters?
-
" Can the Chef make me a steak Diane?"
Can you take three at the same time? Exactly! You probably can, but won't
-
"Does your coffee have caffeine in it?"
-
" Do you take cash?"
No. I prefer to get ripped off by the credit card processors

These are just a few true examples of just how fucking dumb the average diner/consumer is.
They never ask really good questions.
" Are the back of your toilets smooth enough to do coke off of?"
" Do you have a lime-pit outback?"
" Do your waitresses drink a lot?"

Nope. Always the same bullshit. Brief snippets of idiocy that run rampant in diners.
There IS such a thing as a stupid question and every other customer asks it!

A Chef's Arch Enemy

2004-09-02T20:20:00.000-07:00

Think vegans and vegetarians are a pain? They are, but when I calm down I can almost tolerate uhedonistic-pleasureless existence. As I said before I'm all for personal choice and honestly I welcome the challenge when assaulted by them. Some of my best friends are vegans and/or vegetarians. I just don't go out to eat with them. But THESE people are who I have to draw the line with.

http://seasilver.threadnet.com/Preventorium/breathar.htm#Intro

Yep. Fucking Breatharians. They claim to dismiss ALL food and drink. ALL OF IT!
They claim your body doesn't need food or drink. You get all your nutrients from the sun and air. Also claim it will lead to immortality. Who on the fucking planet would want to live forever denying yourself the pleasures of food and drink?
Maybe I'll install a few oxygen tanks at my place. I can't even rant on these people because to me, it would be like beating up a retarded person.
Personally I believe we get all the nutrients we need from steak and cigarettes.
There's no way I'm from the same species and does anybody know when we gave the inmates the keys to the asylum?
I guess it's again that annoying personal choice thing, but personally I'd choose to draw and quarter these freaks!

Glory Boys

2004-09-01T21:35:00.000-07:00

Anybody know where this is going? That's right, it's going out to the motherfuckers in starched white coats and camera ready hair who are so far removed from what the basis of what we do it's sickening. I'm talking about, of course the media/press minded Chef. Not the Chef who realizes you have to work the press to support your restaurant, but the Chef who places his own image and ego above all else when his food flat out sucks. He absolves himself from the responsibility of overseeing his cooks and food while he prances around the dining room, air kissing the socialites and pumping the hand of anybody who might know somebody with a camera. I fucking hate those shoemakers. Go to fucking Hollywood! I'll cook fucking circles around any of them in a second. Shit, most of my line cooks can (if they're not whining about hard work and quitting).Why? Because I'm first and foremost a cook. I've never lost sight of that ( believe me, at this stage of the game I wish I could!) Not Thomas Keller who is in his kitchen every fucking day working with his crew and has done so every day of his career. So much so, that he has to tape his knees up to make it through most shifts. He's never lost the food first mentality. Not Eric Ripert who should be a fucking model( God I hate that guy!) but his approach is..fuckin' A...food first and it shows. His food rocks. No, you know the people I'm taking about.
Here's a little story about a very exposed and recognized "Chef". I was the Chef at a restaurant in Maryland once and I was given notice that -I'll create a name similar and you can figure out who it was-Robbie Gray was at the bar. Cool I thought, I'll go over and talk Chef shit with him. He was pretty famous and I guess maybe I assumed he was one of us.You know..a cool misanthrope. I intoduced myself and the first..THE FUCKING FIRST words out of his mouth was.."How's the press around here?" What the fuck? What a dick. I just shrugged my shoulders and said " I don't know man, I cook for my customers." and walked away. Dude, this guy needed to die! It was almost like an epiphany that entrenched me further into my beliefs that no matter what your silly "title" you must remain true to your craft. I've always been a working Chef. As owner I'm constantly faced with the choice of participating in some great gathering of culinary geniuses who are willing to share with the world how great they are, or making sure the food that has my name and reputation on it is as perfect as it can be. I always chose the latter. Believe me, I'm constantly wishing I could have one thousandth of the bank these cocksuckers have but the only way I could ,without giving myself the old buckshot mouthwash, is to undergo an ethical bypass. Again, this isn't about the Chefs who work in their kitchens AND work the press. No. This is about the assholes who goes and rips his line to pieces because somebody's fucking venison was a overcooked. Well, where the fuck was HE? In his kitchen.Fuck no. Maybe he was in the dining room taking credit for the work of his cooks.Chances are he's not even at his fucking shitbox.
My work has been featured in every local mag. and newspaper wherever I have reaked havoc on. Gourmet, Bon Appetit, Wine and Spirits, I'm on the "Star Chef's" site, a bit on the tv Food Network...blah..blah...fucking blah . All of this means nothing if my food sucks. They came to me. I didn't chase after them like some starstuck little bitch. I got my props by cooking. Side by side with my kitchen. I still work saute, break down the fish, clean the line and unclog the fucking toilets if I have to. The discipline to stay focused on the food has not only rewarded me with emotionally and spiritually empty media rewards, but the confidence to know that on this never ending journey of learning and respecting food and technique...I sail right past these shitheels.
And that's what makes a Chef a Chef. I cook. Like a motherfucker. People always ask me what my definition of a definition of a chef is. A great cook with bigger headaches.
So Glory Boys, get your shiatsu'd asses back in the kitchen and realize that you have a greater responsibility than your fucking egos. Your first and foremost obligation is to the food. The damage you create from your "look at me" bullshit, which fosters a generation of cooks who wanna be rockstars but can't do ANYTHING with skill, precision or the discipline for repititous tedium, keeps them from learning the full potential of themselves OR their craft!
Cooks, keep your knives sharp and cook.Everything will come.
(You'll still be broke though, sorry)

Next time you're out to eat, and you see the White Knight in the dining room for a great length of time ask him"Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" And just for shits and giggle tell him everything was cold.

The Great American Carbo Scare

2004-08-31T21:43:00.000-07:00

"I'll have the Duck with Balsamic Vinegar Sauce and Figs. No starch please, I'm on Atkins"
Not a problem, can I shove this lambbone in your eye? No starch? Do you see Wang's Chinese Laundry on the fucking door?
Can somebody answer this question? What the Hell is wrong with the American dining public?
Let me get this straight. Were fat because we eat carbohydrates? Well, that certainly explains all the obese Asian cultures. No, we're fat because we don't do anything anymore. As we speak, I'm working on a remote-remote control as I am sick of exerting myself pushing those buttons. I want a fucking remote that will operate by me just thinking about changing the channel.I'm sick of my thumb being stronger than the rest of my body.
As Chef's, we are exposed to every social dining phobia neurotic housewives create and the despicable medical industry and press milks.
There's big money to be made on obesity, and do you think doctors are paying country club dues with principles? Nope. They prey on the weak willed. Between them and even lower on the vermin chain, trial lawyers, we now have a society totally deprived of any self responsibility. The media prances around emaciated models touting the ideal body size( and doing an outstanding job of fucking up teen girls heads, which will lead to a neurotic adult woman...one who will spend whatever it takes to be "pretty") while the press does reports on how society caters more towards the beautiful. The concerned doctors -concerned that they're gonna miss a piece of the pie-come up with the next answer. A new form of diet. And then the giant food manufacturer's produce the latest batch of diet foods. Now, proudly proclaims The Really Big Food Corporation, Johnny can sit on his ass and eat a whole bag of cookies!! Thank God they saved mom and dad the trouble of actually telling their kids to get off the fucking couch.The couch by the way resembles the Shroud of Turin with the kid's assprints. See the connection?

To me the real tragedy is that all this nonsense is predominantly vanity based. Industries know that the most important thing to the majority of the public is how they look. And brother they exploit this to the extreme. Don't get me wrong, I'm a shallow pig....but that IS how it works and besides, this isn't about me.

As Chef's we have enough to deal with the general running of the kitchen and cooking food for people without mental problems. But when every third person comes in with some silly carb free craze it really just fucks us up. It makes people ruin the food we create and when that happens, the gloves come off. If you really think, that by leaving off the rice or the gnochi that we've spent an hour and half making, will make you Claudia Schiffer, you're wrong. Stop blaming starches and driving Chef's crazy with your bullshit.
You might want to consider getting up and going for a walk. If you're too depressed to do that, I don't know what to say. Put down the bon bons, get the fuck up you bloated sack and get to doing something physical. Here's the reality LIFE SUCKS GET A HELMET .NO ONE IS GONNA HELP YOU! Especially chefs that are on the edge of Heart Attack Bluff. If I had an extra hand to lend you, I'd use it to bust out these damn petit fours or light another cigarette!

Down With People Up With Chipmunks And Vandalism

2004-08-31T16:33:00.000-07:00

Well they're at it again. Vegans. The scourge of dining. First off I'm not opposed to Veganism. It is a personal choice and as human beings we have a right to choice. The problem is that anemic, self righteous lunatics are actually trying to force their tempeh laced thought processes down our throats. Like any other group, their persistence and downright ciminal tactics actually takes away from their cause. They're like little whiny, cowardly babies with even less respect for human life than the "evils" they oppose. Take a look.

http://www.wweek.com/story.php?story=5453

Does this guy look like someone you'ld want hanging around you? If he does, please get the fuck away from me. He sums up the whole Vegan hypocrisy. It's ok to wear clothes produced by exploited third world workers but for God's sake, don't eat honey. It exploits bees. Fuck a bee. If they're so goddamned smart and useful, let them form a labor union and organize mass stingings. Don't slaughter cows for meat. Why not? If it weren't for the beef industry, cows would probably extinct by now. Certain atrocities are genuine. I think clubbing a baby seal is sickening and pretty damn mean too. Skinning alligators for luggage and and shoes for the repulsive upper crust serves virtually no purpose other than vanity. Raising animals for fur coats? Whatever. Vanity again. We go to such great lengths to rid our bodies of excess hair so we can put on a badger pelt. Just stop shaving for Christ'sake. Ever been to a Phish concert?Shit.

Whoa....back up...started going in the wrong direction, sorry. My point is these people are actually victimizing people and businesses. It's the mentality of warped right to lifers murdering doctors who perform abortions, to save lives. It's up to one person The mother. It's a personal decision. A choice. It's hers and her's only. The gall of the nutcases trying to impose their version of morals and ethics on anyone else. This "somebody has to be the voice of the(insert cause here)" No they don't.

I like when they say"well, would you eat your pets?"Fuck no.My dog eats cat litter and my cats are full of hairballs. Plus, their my pets. I didn't raise them to eat.Is that concept simple enough?

So, to end, I will say I love meat. Big bloody steaks. Great hunks of pork shoulder or pork chops(pigs are cute and sure taste good don't they?) , foie gras, sweetbreads. I get excited just thinking about meat. The fucking Vegans make me want to break down a lamb in the dining room and drink it's blood.

Fortunately, we have people like Ted Nugent who actually made one of my favorite statements of all time; "Everytime these Peta people get in my face, I'm gonna go out an kill 12 of something!" Now that's a man you can trust! Ted, let's get in that Terminus Eldorado and head on down to a fuckin' steakhouse!
( let it be known Ted eats all the animals he kills, and hasn't bought commercially produced meat in years and he doesn't practice wasteful slaughter)

Can I Get That On The Side?

2004-08-31T08:22:00.000-07:00

Sure.If you want to ruin the dish that I've spent all last night losing sleep over.If you feel it neccessary to ruin the integrity of a dish by removing a key element.Hey, the most important part of a dish isn't how it is put together with taste, texture, etc. in mind.No, the MOST important part is that it makes the customer feel worthy by having a "special request". "SEE I AM SOMEBODY!" Yeah. A raging pain in the ass. Can I have that without the caviar?Abso-fucking-lutely.Just order the dish that doesn't have caviar on it. Sauce on the side? Not that big a deal,I mean the sauce is only what ties the dish together. Can I substitute the starch on one dish for the vegeatbles on another? No, but you can order a side of the vegetbles you want. "I'm not that hungry can I just get a half portion?".Well, if you're not that hungry, why didn't you go to a fucking movie instead of going out to eat? No problem half portion 3/4 the price. See I'm fair. My personal favorite are who I like to refer to as "God's Dining Tragedies". These are the people who come in with one of those silly allergy cards that read like this great tome of torture. I don't have one in front of me( I leave them in the kitchen for the cooks to make fun of) but they read something like " I have a medical condition which prevents me from eating: Wheat, salt,cheese, pepper,seafood,butter,corn or corn products, beets,radishes, animals with shoulders or Viking food". Here. Here's a snow pea.Can you fucking eat that?(Yes, if it's raw). I think they should just present a card that say " I can't eat anything.May I sit in the corner with a bowl of hot steam and watch?" Jesus, what's the matter with people these days?

I blame two things. One this silly sense of entitlement that has permeated this country for the last few decades and TV cooking shows. See, now EVERYONE is a chef. The guy selling hot dogs is a chef. Guys who make those bland, tasteless sandwiches are"sandwich artists". The guy who puts the canned jalapenos on your nachos? Yep, he's a chef. Ever seen the sickening pint sized baby chef wear? Toddlers are chefs.It's ok though because don't they just look sooooo cute? Ughhh.
Here's how you go out to eat. Walk in to the restaraunt, sit the fuck down ( at ONE table, stop moving all around!)and order your food.See how easy that is? If you send something back because it's"not what you expected", too goddamned bad. We're cooking the menu, we're not the Amazing Kreskin.I can't read you mind and know what you're expecting. Hell if I could read minds, I'd be up to my ass in poker chips.

I'm gonna cut this short as I have another rant about ridiculous customers and don't want to shorten THAT post. Here's something to remember, when you try to re-arrange the menu and fuck up all the dishes to suit your needs, you are going to be immediately " the asshole on table 7" Believe me, it starts in the waitperson's head as he smiles and says "Absolutely", and gets verbalized past the swinging doors.

Brunch

2004-08-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

So, after another long Saturday night shift my thoughts immediately shifted to the most despised of all restaurant traditions. Brunch. After 24 years in this business, I still ask myself (or my equally tortured sous-chef)WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH BRUNCH? What asshole woke up one Sunday ( a day of rest?)and thought "If only I could sleep in and go eat an omelet at noon" I sometimes wonder if if I could accept this horror if it were just called lunch. Noooo it's brunch. As if a euphemistic name will change how much it is despised. Waiters hate it.Chef's hate it. Less care goes into the food and service than any other shift. Put your worst crew on it and hope they show up because BRUNCH will make employees quit. I guarantee there is more absenteeism on Sunday morning, than all other shifts combined. And with good reason. It sucks. And the sheep that flock to brunch out of tradition, decked out in their silly hats and Sunday finery are enough to make one sick on their own. Cute little old ladies wanting their poached eggs. Closeted,picket fenced husbands in their after church get-ups wanting an egg white omelet and a brandy milk punch. A fucking egg white omelet?What the fuck is that? I wish I could develop a whiteless egg just for brunch. A brandy milk punch? What kind of nancing alcoholic silliness is that? A mimosa. a MIMOSA?....what are we on the goddamned Orient Express? I feel so sophisticated when I drink those!
Here's what Sunday morning is for: Getting up late, moving slowly and waiting until the previous night's headache has subsided enough to form a rational thought as to where to get grease.
My personal way to deal with this is to provide eggs dishes that extend a middle finger to traditional scrunch offerings. Eggs Benedict? No. Eggs Allistair Crowley(with blood sausage no less)Eggs Richey Rich ( with foie gras, redwine sauce and a hefty price tag. If you're gonna dictate my serving brunch, I'm going to drain your wallet)Eggs Florentine? Please. That's far too pleasant sounding for Sunday morning. How about Eggs Burning in Hell (Soft boiled eggs , quickly deep fried and served with a blistering pepper sauce)

The true irony is that despite my best efforts, it never ends. It always works in reverse.

So why don't I quit serving brunch if I hate it? Money and revenge.

Foie Gras ..Love it or shut up

2004-08-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

"Stop (serving foie gras) or you will be stopped" Nice message. Especially when it accompanies a videotape of your wife and children. How would YOU react?

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/news/081903_nw_lme_sfchef.html

Think about it.These are people who put human pleasure beneath the needs of a duck. People who's existence is so menial, that the best thing they can do to qualify their lives is intimidate a hardworking chef's family and tell us to throw hundreds of years of culinary tradition away. It's called a food chain and we're at the top. Personally, I don't want to see things from a duck's point of view. I cook them. Is it cruel? Yes. Do I care ? No. What is my responsibilty as a Chef? To provide my customers with great tasting food.Period. Nowhere in my training do I recall "ethical recourse" or understanding. If I cared, I'd join the Peace Corps. The most repellent of the situation is the knee-jerk reaction of the press hound chefs who would rather turn their back on a colleague than stand up to these cowards. Pull foie gras off your menu?Gutless worms. How dare you fail a moral test of tradition. One that could only be devised in this era of people last. This is the unwritten law that chef's are to uphold.Tradition.Don't apply morals to it. We kill, slaughter and serve animal flesh.

Trash My business, threaten MY family? Do it to my face or the face of any other chef with conviction and you will end up with what you deserve. Multiple fractures. Then you can suck all the vegetables through a straw you want.