Saturday, September 25, 2004

Corporate Brilliance

Here's something else that's been driving me crazy for a while. I'm fucking sick of corporate think tanks putting their collective heads together to come up with "concepts" and naming them something dumb.Maybe their idea of "kooky funny" with lots of appeal to the average dolt. . P.W Skidoos, R.J. O'Malleys, C.W. McGirk's, Munchies, Hooter's, Bubba Gump's, Eatzies...you get the picture. These are the same geniuses who have spent millions on research to find out what we want is an retiree welcoming us to a store. No, what we want is someone to ring us up faster. Maybe I'm in the minority, but when I go somewhere, generally I know where I am. They train waitstaffs to be your buddy (telling you their name is fine, but let's not get chummy friend) instead of teaching them about service an instilling in them to maybe learn about the product they're selling. A good example is Bob Brown. Doesn't he look approachable? Looks like great fun at parties too! I'll bet he's just a regular guy like us too. Fucking neatnick. This ridiculous asswipe has made a career of teaching waitstaff silly sales"techniques". One of his techniques is called " The Columbo Move"...it's where you walk away and suddenly turn ( as if to remember something important) and mention it..."Oh, I just remembered our Extreme Fajitas, anybody interested?". It is EXACTLY like the scene in Office Space about flair. Another favorite technique of his is to nod yes while going over the menu. Like an intelligent diner is susceptible to this. Maybe if they would stop trying to cater to puppets, they might realize most people are intelligent enough to make choices based on their wants. Ok, maybe not MOST people, just the ones I want to comprise our society. Here's what intelligent people want. Informed, professional unobtrusive service. I hate when some cookie cutter moony, parroting a scripted greeting can't even tell you how the soup is made. Or mispronounces things . Or doesn't even have the slightest interest in what their occupation consists of. In any field, the reason you do it should be interest. If it isn't, you're flat out going to suck at it. Granted, most people don't want to be waitpeople, but the one's who succeed the most are the ones who become an expert on demand. They've chosen the interest of making money and our willing to use all the tools at their disposal. Their brain. Not annoying schmarm. Or ditzy cuteness. Pride and professionalism will reward more in the long run and is far less degrading.
Why our we dumbing down our society? I know, I know...a dumb and docile group is easier to exploit. Do you think corporations and the like want a populace of free thinkers? To much trouble to separate them from their money.
Next time someone approaches your table, beat them to the punch with " Hi (insert name of whatever's-buddy), I'm Norman and this is my wife Carolyn. We'll be your diners tonight!"It usually lets them know you want service and not a pal.
At the very least it might get you labeled an asshole which is always good.

11 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Amen to that!! I think "corporate think tank" is a bit of an oxymoron. :)

Anna

10:08 AM  
Blogger leboyfriend said...

I have a cartoon from a 1980's New Yorker; a couple are seated at a table in what is obviously an expensive 'trendy'restaurant. A limp-wristed (literally)and lank-haired serving person hovers above them. The man is saying "Michael. Would you mind if I called you'waiter'?" I keep this in my kitchen and it continues to tickle me after all these years.

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate what corporations are doing to dining! they're totally stripping it of anythng great and catering to the masses of tasteless morons.

10:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate when waiter tries to upsell me on something like I don't know what he's doing. If he tries to upsell me on wine I just order a coke. I know what I want and I order it!

10:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my father was the most intellegent man i have ever known. years ago, when wait staff had just started the, "Hi my name is Ann and I will be ..."
He prempted with, "I'm Phil and this is ... we'll be your diners."

1:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"At the very least it might get you labeled an asshole which is always good."

that is exactly my frame of mind.

Chef J.

10:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate when waiters try to upsell me with the obvious corporate b.s. It makes me feel like I'm in Houlihan's. I feel sorry for the place because I'll spend less.
You need more posts! You're right on!

9:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just don't go back. Or tell them to knock of the parroting of their corporate script and treat you like a person who's been out to eat before or you simply won't tip.

A.C.

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Buy Levitra said...

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12:52 PM  
Anonymous Phentermine said...

Thanks for interesting article.

6:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonimous said...

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9:57 AM  

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