Monday, September 13, 2004

Prick Hit List

Here's some of the biggest assholes I've ever come across. Not all customers, but all worthy of being left alone in a room with any seasoned kitchen dog.

We once opened a restaurant in North Carolina. After a few weeks, it was smooth enough to actually get out of there after service. I was at my rented cottage when I got a call from the frantic manager. "We've run out of cheesecake and there's some asshole lawyer(surprise!) pitching a bitch about it." He demanded to speak to the Chef(tip-never..EVER demand) like I was going to go out and whip him up one. "Hello, this is Chef----, I understand your having a rather bad time, what can we do for you?""DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!! I'M ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL LAWYERS AROUND, I GET DRUG DEALERS, MURDERER'S OUT OF JAIL!!" (He actually said this) YOUR MENU SAYS CHEESECAKE AND I WANT IT!" He already lost what little respect I could pretend to muster up so I went with it. "Look, I don't know who you are and I really don't care, as far as I'm concerned you're a loudmouth scumbag causing a scene in my restaurant. We're out of cheesecake, I'm not coming in to make you one and what you're going to do is have any other dessert on me or I'm going to call the police and have you removed from the restaurant. You're absolutely powerless right now and if you try to leave without paying, I'll have your ass arrested for shoplifting." He must have been stunned, I guess most people are intimidated by his wealth and hot air. I hate him for it. "I'm sorry" he said"No need to threaten me with the police."...what a gutless worm.

I served a piece of beautiful grouper over a Salade Nicoise once. Some group of Florida rednecks complained it was cold. It was. It was a hot night and it was a salad. He took one of the hard cooked eggs and dropped it in the waitresses hand and said "Take this to the kitchen...tell them it's cold". She was almost in tears which usually does nothing but piss me off even more, but I could tell they were tears of absolute frustration with this dick. He then made the mistake of coming into the kitchen. I guess he was going to get me straight. He was also old. An old, ignorant redneck..How perfect! It's funny when people do things like this because the kitchen becomes eerily silent. " So you're the Chef?" " So you're the asshole" " You need to go back to school" "You need to go back to Florida redneck" "Yeahhhh, I AMMMM A REDNECK" he proclaims proudly " I used to own a restaurant ( hasn't everyone?) and your arrogance is going to make you broke!!' "I'm already broke. And your being an asshole is going to get your ass kicked!" I "helped" him back out and they were simply made to pay and leave. On the way out, his wife dropped her pants and mooned the entire dining room. It was a frightening ass too. Even a sexist pig like myself couldn't see any use in it.

One time in DC, a incredibly rich customer felt the need to instruct my Latino utility workers how to clean properly.He made them clean everything again. I heard about this the next day from one of them. Turns out he threatened them with INS and all the other bullshit. They were fucking scared shitless and honestly, I don't know why he did it. I know he wanted to become a partner in the restaurant group I was with,,,but I still don't know what his problem was. He always wore a Captain's hat though. THAT should have told me something.Like he was crazy.He showed up again like clockwork the next day and I was polite to him.."Mr. Whatever, I realize you're used to getting your way because you're rich, but this is MY kitchen and your money doesn't mean shit to me. These people work harder than you ever have, and if I ever hear of you intimidating them or abusing them in any way, I'll fuck you up so bad there will be nothing but a little puddle of piss on the ground with a captain's hat on it." " How dare you try to strongarm me!" he responded. "Man, lemme tell you. If I try to strongarm you you're gonna know it Cappy!" The saddest part if came later when the General Manager told me he really respected what I said, but I can't talk to customers like that. "I know Doug, that's YOUR job!". This was a guy from the mindset that money was more important than how the workers were treated. He made me sick. I had to have him fired.

A corporate suck up manager once told me " You're a really great Chef, but you need to be more corporate." I guess he felt he was my boss. He was fired a few weeks later and I was flying with the owners to L.A for menu research.

What is with these corporate sheep???Doing and acting how society tells them . I hate sheep. They should be roasted and served hot.

Just a quick note. I've been in this business since I was 14 and have never been late or fired. I do my job above and beyond BUT I'm still true to myself, my beliefs and have never nor will never take or put up with bullshit. Especially from people so low on the stature list that all they have is money to intimidate with. All I can think of is where they keep their jewelry.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Restaurant Customer Arrested For Tipping Under 18%

LAKE GEORGE, N.Y -- A New York City man accused of leaving an inadequate tip at a restaurant was arrested, fingerprinted and photographed for a mug shot.

Humberto A. Taveras, 41, faces a misdemeanor charge of theft of services after he and his fellow diners argued with Soprano's Italian and American Grill managers over the legality of requiring an 18 percent tip for large parties.
Discussion: Arrested For Small Tip

"They chased us down like a bunch of criminals," Taveras said. "It killed our weekend."

Taveras and eight others had pizza at the restaurant in this resort village Sunday night. He told the Glens Falls Post-Star they weren't completely satisfied with the food and left a tip of under 10 percent. Taveras said they also were not told of a mandatory 18 percent gratuity for parties of six or more and did not see notice of it on their menus.

Restaurant owner Joe Soprano said all the menus have the notice, and the waitress informed the group. He said he did not choose to pursue charges because of the money, but because Taveras' group was obnoxious.

"It's unfortunate it has come to this, but this guy was rude and abrasive. They practically threw food at us," Soprano said.

Taveras plans to fight the charge. He was issued an appearance ticket and was scheduled to appear in town court Thursday.

The arrest raises the issue of whether the gratuities that restaurants automatically tack on for serving large groups are legally enforceable debts.

Warren County Sheriff Larry Cleveland said he did not believe the issue had been litigated before in New York. He said the case could turn on whether the person is notified of the tip requirement beforehand.

"It's not a black-and-white issue," Cleveland said. "It will be very interesting to see where it goes in court."

5:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am amazed at what assholes there are in this world that would actually come in your kitchen and talk to you like that. Glad you handle those people like do...

6:47 AM  
Blogger Maggie said...

Hey Chef,

I've been reading you for a couple weeks now, and figured I ought to pipe up and say hello.

Holy hell, but you've broght back a lot of memories. I worked (happily!) as a waitress for more than 10 years, and would do it again if it paid as well as what I do now pays. But sometimes, the customers. Oh gods. It's so awesome that you don't cave, and go out and kick ass as necessary.

2:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ha! I love your blog. I'm a baker and I get shit all the time from these self-righteous little pricks that think they know better than me. I've been doing this for 15 years! Anyway, good job and keep posting!

3:39 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

I've been reading your blog since you started, and I'm seriously having doubts if what you say you do is not actually what you would like to do.

4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, don't read the fucking thing then bitch.
Now go be a good housewife and do as society tells you!

8:03 PM  
Blogger Rhonda said...

Well, let's hope you have a seriously good person as hostess to keep your customers.


7:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

People who make fucking scenes to scam comp meals and shit aren't the sort of people I'd want as customers. and they aren't fun for the other diners to be around. Not putting up with their bullshit makes everyone else happier too. Yeah, we got rid of our high chairs too, and despitre minor bitching everyone else is happier too. I totally support the Angry Chef.

Killa B, the bakery whore

9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I will never understand why people don't understand the time and thought it takes to create a dish that works. People go into restaurants thinking that it is your job to dick around with your own creation until the guest is happy. Why can't people just look at a menu and pick something they like. If you don't like anything, then go somewhere where you can find a dish that took some zombie 5 minutes to figure out what to stock the freezer with, fry it up and substite the plate to your guidelines. I am not in this business to make spoiled people more spoiled and picky. I wish these people would get there own personal chef to torture and pay really well or stay the fuck home.

1:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right to entitlement culture. You're right, that IS how it's supposed to be. I'd like to kick picky motherfucker's teeth in.


4:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG, A.C. is totally insecure about serving *us* privlidged ones here. If you can't handle different types of personalities, then you are in the wrong line of petty servant. It seems to me, A.C. that you are an extremely weak individual who cannot associate well with others especially under extreme stressful situations.

So why not just give up on this assinine discourse of yours and go and apply for a fry cook postion at an fast food establishment. As retarded as you are, A.C. this is the type of cooking you need to be associated with....FAST FOOD.



12:20 AM  

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