Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Here's My Resume....

wow! Looks've been cooking for 4 solid years and you were a Sous Chef?! Impressive! in other words, you never really learned how to do shit? Ahh..the glories of hiring from the new Food Network driven work force. Sold on the "glamorous " life of the celebrity chef and whatever the latest buzz terms..."farm to plate"..."nose to tail eating".."hand-crafted" .."insert indusry/societal catch phrase here"...without even the vaguest reality check of what cooking is. It's grueling, thankless hard work. I've heard it all, but when any of us interview prospective cooks, do we ever hear.."I do the best on principle. I push myself to be better, faster, tougher than the next guy because I like to see them crumble"? I want a cook to say.. "I LOVE working the line..I love the drama, the on the fly problem solving..the chaos." One in 11 are like that. They get it. The rest are lazy pussies. You've been in my kitchen a week and you don't know where the immersion blender is? Or what or where the masa is. You should have seen that when you walked through the kitchen. Not much on details eh? And just where the fuck are your knives "chef"? Cooking is your life, but you can't invest in the tools of the trade? Buying knives is one of the best parts of cooking!
I fear for the future of cooking. As I've mentioned before I'm sure, I like old school. Hard ass, bad ass, foul mouthed cooks who work like clockwork and take more pride in their actual skills, speed and techniques than they do on the whole Gestault of cooking. Cooks who see what's going on all around them and learn from that. Meat fab/charcuterie/pastry/pasta making/ stock making/sauce making...all these things go on around them every day and yet they still say..."I'm not learning anything"..well jump the fuck in and stop waiting for an invite! The desire and ability to cook isn't formed by waiting for someone to take you by your thin skinned hand and passively waiting for someone to slow down for's formed by YOU saying fuck it! I can do that shit..seeing what your actually looking at and just doing it! Stepping yourself up to the speed with which things are being done!
I guess this "no child left behind" bullshit isn't relegated solely to cooking, it is in fact a sad reality of ALL professions. No...some children should left behind...some should have been thrown at the base of Mt. Olympus a birth.....but I guess all we can do is wish for the perfect world, where ambitionless, non-self starters are burned for kindling for the doers.

Friday, February 19, 2010

I'm baaaaaackkkkk

come on slags, it's only been about 5 yrs!
Actually, just figured out how to get back on here. Worried though. I don't know if I'm as pissed as I used to be.
Give a minute to think about things.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

More Stuff Coming

Still alive, but working on a new project that is taking all my time. Oh, I'm still pissed. I think both knees are getting ready to go and other physical problems are starting to worry me as well as the realization that I physically can't keep working double shifts on a line for a whole lot longer. In short, my own mortality is haunting me. Working on finishing up a book and plans for a cookware/wine/food store. I also don't want to keep repeating the same rants over and over.
There are more coming though.

Here's a quick note of a future blog: Notice how freedom of speech is being stamped out? Yep..corporate America has enlisted system draining vermin lawyers to try to shut down blogs.
These fucking scum are destroying the entire world.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Hippity Hop For Jesus

Here's a question. If this "god" is so benevolent, why does Easter Sunday brunch exist? The absolute distillation of the worst Sunday brunch crowd + 40 years. Cute little old ladies with one foot in the grave wearing revoltingly stupid hats. God fearing good Christian/ Catholic men in their best Sunday navy blue suits and ties, doing as they're told so god will keep their little secrets secret so they won't lose their inheritance or their country club golf buddies. My favorite are the bored teenagers who would all rather be getting high away from their families, and then munching out on chocolate later. People over the age of seven saying " Happy Easter". Ever walk into a dining room packed with old ladies in hats? If you close your eyes, you'll think you fell into a barrel of mothballs.
I have to admit, I care less about the food on Easter brunch than even Thanksgiving, but not less than Valentine's day. . The whole point of these traditional torture sessions is to mollify the traditional masses and slop it out we will. Half the portion, twice the price, ahhhh there's IS something redeeming in these swill fests.
Here's a link that expresses what I wish all Valentiners and Easter brunchers would make tradition. You might have to scroll down a'll know the one.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Good Cop/Bad Cop

My Sous Chef of many years has moved to New York. I can't blame him as New York is the greatest dining city in the world. Paris you argue? Try getting 2 with chili, cheese and kraut and a Yoo-Hoo by the Thames . It ain't gonna happen Gus. He did his job above and beyond and always will. His talents will be missed and I wish him all the best. He was one of the "1 in50." Anyway this blog is about the unsung heroes of the restaurant kitchen. The Sous-Chef. For those of you lucky enough not to be raised by this business, the Sous Chef is the Chef's deputy. His right hand man. His lieutenant and nine times out of ten, his confidant. He executes the Chef's words and gets them into action at whatever the cost to himself or others. He will work circles around anybody on any station, better, faster and only thinking about what's next. The good ones anyway.
Just starting in my kitchen? I'm not gonna talk to you. Who's this piss ant? Not until you prove yourself. Nope, my Sous Chef will handle that. If you don't like how he talks to you, fuck off and die. He hurt your feelings? Good. I want him to. Who do you think you are? An individual? Oh're either a asset or a liability to the pursuit of cuisine and if you have thin skin, you're a liability. I love hearing cooks whine about the Sous Chef. Awww....can you do as much as fast without question? Stop bitching about people with commitment, principles and pride.
The best one also possess the all important quality of clairvoyance. They know what you want before you ask for it. They finish your sentences and don't say.." You didn't say to..." I know. I thought it. I spoke to a colleague of mine who said he has to let the Sous Chef go because he's been there for 7 months and he can't finish his sentences yet. My question is, what took so long?
Bear this in mind when you want to cry about the Sous Chef. He's the barrier between you and me. You think he's an asshole? You haven't even seen shit. He's actually the good cop. Doesn't seem like it does it? My Sous Chefs operate at a consistent level of aggression. I operate at two levels; Controlled chaos and absolute psychotic rage . When I'm that pissed, I feel like killing you. I'm not joking.
Good Sous Chefs don't drop the ball. They don't question what you want, they just do it. They get it done. I am grateful to all my Sous Chefs over the years. They're all mean, rude, hyper and don't give a fuck about anything but the job to be done. I'd love to see them all get together and kick the shit out of Norman Rockwell.
You guys fucking rock. Keep up the good work and remember, if everyone hates you, you must be doing something right.

May The Force Not Be With You

Hey here's a question that's been driving me nuts for about 10 years. Where the fuck is the work force? I'm serious. Have you seen the uncaring lot of cooks being pumped out? I mean what the fuck man? I'm sure this apathetic approach to what lazy, non ambitious people call "pointless careerism" ( like there's some stigma attached to pursuing a passion or career) has infested every business, but since I don't know every business, I'll stick to kitchens. Don't you like when you're working, and you can hear the crunch of an improperly sharpened knife across the kitchen? And this is square one! If you can't sharpen a knife, you can't cook! Why? Because cooking is principle. A minced shallot is not a hacked up shallot. If you don't do it perfectly (or at least try) every time on principle, you're pretty much worthless to any Chef worth a fuck. When you hear that fucking crunch, don't you just want to grab the offending "knife" and throw it in the trash with the great words of wisdom, "you're worthless". Of course what we normally do is snatch the knife away, feel the edge, shake our heads in disbelief and say.." so...what are you doing to my product, I mean...besides destroying it because you don't care or are too stupid to notice raggedy edges that aren't perfect?" Sniveling bunch of time wasters. Remember this future " Chefs", if you don't care about perfection, you suck. Why? Because you're satisfied with mediocrity and mediocrity is easy. There's no challenge. Another personal favorite is teaching station setup and specific dishes. Umm...where's your notepad? Oh, you're going to remember it all. Ok, cool.....don't ask how and don't fuck it up. We're all watching and waiting to say.."Why didn't you write it down dumb-ass?" My personal favorite is the blase look on their faces when you explain something. You know the look. The look of "Uh. This is soo boring...I'm sooo above this, but I can't work under pressure, or with precision or skill. Nor have I ever really cooked anything before......Look, I just want to be a Chef ok? I don't want to waste all my time on this "technique" bullshit." Ok Escoffier, do you think you could at least set your station up just CLOSE to sensibly?And keep it clean and tidy because you're a pig. You know what goes through your head when you get a fire call? All the shit all over your station.
My absolute favorite is..
" Why isn't this finished?"
" I didn't have enough time Chef."
" But you did this last week. You mean, you're not twice as fast this week?.So you don't push yourself?"..Wow. You really suck.
This new non-work force is really enthusiastic too. Really into the art/craft of cooking.
Welcome to Hell you non-ambitious lazy asses. Tony Bourdain summed it up in Kitchen Confidential when he said " A good line cook never shows up late, never calls in sick and works through pain and injury." 27 years in this business and I've been late 3 times. I've never missed a day of work. Ok one. A girl really pissed me off, so I got in my truck with my dog and a bottle of Wild Turkey , drove to North Carolina and had a fucking blast!
I had a crybaby tell me once, " I just don't know if I'm doing good." What are you? A fucking puppy?..Good boy, here's a bone. My Sous Chef responded with..."Well, you're still working here aren't you?" Fuckin' pussies.
Here's a bit from Slammed magazine, written by Michael Gagne and some of it attributed to again, Anthony Bourdain. I'm not sure if he wrote the whole piece or not but it sums up more perfectly than I ever could, about how you're viewed in a kitchen.

"the kitchen is the last true meritocracy. Here, you are what you do. Simple ability determines whether you are an asset or a liability; a culinarian or a ham and egger. Respect is a direct reflection of sharpnes of knives, of the efficiency of movement, of tidiness, punctuality and, especially, of the ability to perform under pressure. In the heat of the kitchen, cars, girls, lifestyles and personal idiosyncracies become irrelevant. Those are nothing but fodder for politically incorrect banter that fills the verbal void left behind the instructions, orders, demands and requests of the resident tyrant. Your's Truly."

In any field, ANYTHING in life, you simply KICK IT'S FUCKING ASS! Lead or stay behind. If you prefer to stay behind, you're a fucking loser. Cooking is a passion. If you don't pursue it as such, with every fiber in your're passionless, and you're going to be shitty at everything you do.

Thursday, February 24, 2005


"is there anything they can't do"

Wise words by the great Homer Simpson.
Well, I guess they can't keep Krispy Kreme floatin'. I fucking love doughnuts. Coffee with too much sugar, a couple of glazed old fashioned and I'm totally jacked and hyper. This might change. You see, Krispy Kreme is doing some corporate re-structuring. It seems that one of the CEOs has decided to start taking an hourly wage. Man. What a noble guy. It takes real balls to give a up a grossly inflated salary to get down and dirty with the common working man!'s the story!..
I quote from Restaurant Business , Feb..15 2005

"Winston-Salem, NC - The troubled Krispy Kreme chain has replaced it's CEO with an hourly employee, though he'll be paid roughly 100 times the wage of an in-store crew member, according to government filings. The documents indicate that interim CEO Stephen Cooper is billing the company at a rate of $760 per hour, while limited-term COO Steven Panagos is on the clock at a rate of $695 per 60 minutes."
-Both Cooper and Panagos work for the restructuring specialist, Kroll Zolfo Cooper-
"The lofty consulting fees do not, however, guarantee the the undivided attention of the two executives. Cooper is also currently serving as CEO for.......( who would have fucking guessed!) Enron; Panagos is chief restructuring officer at Penn Traffic Co."
"Krispy Kreme also plans to pay KZC a "success fee" to be negotiated in the next few weeks"

Think about it. One "employee" making seven hundred and sixty dollars an hour for motherfucking doughnuts.
And he doesn't even have to be there! I'm doin' this shit all wrong!
I understand he has other obligations like tending to his baby Enron. Hey, it's a full time job bilking hundreds of people out of their investments and savings, but come should do a little time on the line per week!
These people I truly despise. Never mind the trespassing on the sanctity of the doughnut itself, but how the fuck can you justify that much money without having to actually work?
Those assholes should break down, scrub and repaint a Krispy Kreme every goddamned day. Outside too! Scrub the hoods, move the ranges, clean the greasetrap, count the fins on the eveaporators coils on the boxes....then I'll give you some slack on your rope! But you gotta earn it...I want my money's worth! And stop riding the fucking clock!
Could you imagine what a pain in the ass a $760 hr. employee would be? I don't think I could count on them.
" Dude...I'm fucked....can you come in?"
"Nope. I'm in Amsterdam. I'll be in in two weeks, but only for 18 minutes."
"Cool, thanks. That really helps."
To think.. all this shit....this gross waste of money, growing from something as innocent and understanding as a doughnut. I wonder if these "restaurant consultants" even eat their own food. Or for that matter if they eat their own young.
Lemme guess, you're gonna close a bunch of stores, put a bunch of people who make $6.50 hr out of work and collect a "success fee." I fuckin' hate 'em!
I also don't want to think of these assholes when I see Krispy Kreme. You know what I want? I want the image of an army of grandmothers making my doughnuts in the morning. I don't want to know what really goes on behind the scenes of my morning routine...I don't want to think of Mr Burns even in the same field, even by association. I want illusion until AFTER coffee, doughnuts and cigarettes!
I have seen the enemy. And boy is he rich.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Fuck George Bush

Sorry. I never let politics infuriate me and this has nothing to do with food. I couldn't care less about blowing the shit out of other countries in the interests of defense contracts transparently cloaked as "liberation"( I will for the record say the genocidal madman Hussein DID have to be .. shall we say...dealt with.Whatever happened to good ol' fashioned assasination? Oh I forgot, we don't do that! right). Nor do I give a shit about the gay marriage thing. To me whoever anybody wants to fuck is cool, but I don't make the rules. If I can't control it, I don't give a rat's ass about it. I will say that if I see another Jesus lovin' robot with that motherfucking bumpersticker that has the- marriage=male/female stick figures - I'm gonna fuck up their vehicle. I wish I had a giant retractable dick that shot out of the front of my car and shot mayonnaise all over the place just for people who love cutesy bumperstickers. Everyone knows he's a x drunk, cokehead (his ONLY admirable qualities), an election thief, a schizophrenic( this is someone who think Jesus speaks through him. If your rich, it's great faith if you's called insane) No. It's his brilliantly misappropriated budget cuts.
The majority of the cuts are from what? Education. Guess he's trying to get that population's intelligence even lower . Well I guess, if all you asprired to was "c" averages in college, you wouldn't like trying to govern a intelligent populous now would you?

I have absolutely zero paternal instict. But I also realize that children are our future and need every available resource for education possible. First we eliminate learning how to read from school curriculums. Then ..FUCKING THEN, we eliminate -phys.ed class. Good start for creating a fat, dump bunch of people. I say start burning books next.

Or how about health care? Yep, need to cut all that shit out too. Don't him and his buddies have all the coverage they need? Fuck the rest of the country. I get great solace in the fact that in building a business that takes every single dime you can get and abuses your body and brain to extremes on a daily basis, you have to worry about losing it all if you get seriously ill or injured.
I'm tired of watching this country being turned into mindless sheep actually believing that the powers that be will "fix" everything.
It's 1984. It actually IS happening. Cameras watching your every movement, intelligence and free thinking being stamped out. Paranoid? No. just prove that these things AREN'T being instituted and I tell you I'll get psychiatric help, but I won't.

He makes me sick. I didn't actually care until his budget cuts. Now I hate him.

No, I'm not anti-America, I still have a little fastly fading hope. I support our troops 100%. I love technology, watching shit get blown to smithereens. I paid for the damn arsenal, I wanna see what it can do although I might not BROADCAST EVERY MOVE BEFORE WE DO IT!!! Personally I would've turned Afghanistan into a giant glass parking lot. I think this is the greatest country to live in( for how long I don't know). I hated John Kerry too.Christ. That guy has the personality of a mop. He really didn't flip flop on the issues a whole lot either. Saddam Hussein needs much worse than he'll get. I'll defend this country to the end if I have to, but I'll wait until I feel threatened by someone other than some illiterate, Texas redneck oil fuck.