Sunday, September 05, 2004

Another Brunch

This was even more excrutiating than normal. It was slow. Labor Day weekend and the elite have retreated to their safehouses for their 3 day weekend. So slow in fact if I could pull my own head off I would. But made it even worse, was I could hear the band. First off, I hate jazz..not all jazz , just the stuff that makes you feel like you're watching some black and white TV show with your parents WISHING you could escape outside to get high (of course you can!). You know, mellow "old favorites", requests from 75 yr old ladies. Men who in their mid 50's decided to "come out" which to them means turning up the collars on their polo shirts, losing their socks (WOW! talk about carefree!) and requesting something from the good ol' days. Jazz makes me feel old and the people that eat brunch out of tradition make me feel older. I hate anything that makes me feel that way. I want a metal brunch. I want L7, Blackflag and Suicidal Tendencies screaming and making people cry. I'm only 39 for Christ'ssake. I get younger every year actually.
I decided to actually cook myself something to eat and sit down and read the paper. Rice, black beans, 2 fried eggs, sausage and Latino cabbage slaw. It hit the spot hard. Then it happened. The sound that can make blood pressure squirt through your eyelids. Somebody had to bring their fucking spawn and it started it's bawling. Why do people have to bring their goddamned babies everywhere? There like little baubles these days. "look at MY baby!" ushiwuushi wushi wush..."He's so cuuuute" ...bbbbbb..... " awwww baby went potty'.." Baby's getting sicky"....Leave that filthy little thing at home until he's at least old enough to control his bowels!
I like when people breastfeed at the table. Ladies, please go to the bathroom . Nobody wants to see this when they're eating and believe me, we're all watching and making jokes about it. " I want some of what HE'S having!" "Do we just help ourselves?' are some of the better comments.

But Brunch is sooo fun! All you friends sitting around drinking cheap champagne!!! It's fun and sooo traditional! Fun?" Fuck fun! I quit school because of recess and my idea of fun isn't toe tapping tradition! Virtually everything I consider fun is illegal, immoral or boring by people who find fun in crowds!

This is what makes brunch so glorious. It is composed 95% of the worst of every social group. If you truly enjoy brunch, truly enjoy making people slaves to your sloth whimsy then I'm sorry, you're just an asshole. Trust me, it's not just me that thinks this. I just write it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's clear that, deep down inside, all you want, is to be loved.

1:24 PM  
Blogger docbrite said...

It's clear that, deep down inside, all you really want is the Angry Chef's cleaver buried so deeply in your skull that the blade squeaks when he pulls it out.

2:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And the brunch crowd never fucking tip. I hear them rationalizing that the omlette bitch did all the work, but I never get tipped either.

Where is Angry Chef anyway? Round Kansas City MO they all get bloody marys insteadof te ceap campagne. They stll suck though.

4:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All he wants is an angrychef's red hot saucepan full of molten cheese and pine nuts thrown at his head.

Love the blog AC. As a long suffering kitchenhand/aprentice/coffeemaker/wiaterbitch to an extremely angry chef, you make me laugh like a loon.
Now i just have to convince Phillepe to use that "evil interweb thing" so he realises hes not alone.
*ducking the flying pans*

10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahhhh, he must be so vulnerable deep, down, inside. To have you all jump to his defence with meat cleavers and hot cheese. It's touching, really touching.

1:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmmmm, I thought I knew who might be writing this... then I saw a post by docbrite... I think I might be right.


1:33 PM  
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