Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Wacky Chef Clothes

Today's the day when the new Chef Revival wear catalog shows up. All I can think is "What the fuck? What a bunch of shit!" Don't get me wrong, they have nice coats and all, but when and WHO more importantly, all of the sudden thought we needed "wacky" chef's clothes? Scarves, 25 different styles of coats, tunics, jumpsuits(fucking jumpsuits man?), bakers hats, beanies, bandanas, baseball hats all in every tacky, garish and hideous patterns, each one worst than the one before it. I hate them. I hate them all. I like black/checks and whites. I mean when did cooking food become a fashion movement? And a dangerously bad one at that. Black/White. Simple. I mean what is the point of all this foppery? "Look how wacky I am! I'm an individual!" No you're not. You're fucking annoying. Wacky. Don't you just love wacky people? Get back in line, keep your wacky individuality to yourself and show me how you cook! What corporate twat actually turned us into fashion dummies. Muted pink chef's coat( for her) Denim chef coat( for him) how sickeningly "cute". Where did this shit start? Did someone actually complain about...
"This dumb old's fun and all....but the outfits are so boring!"
Pretty revolting isn't it? How we're pictured in catalogues like this. Silly little fashion puppets. I really do despise them. But what's even worse is this entire line of everyday items given some mythical status by applied "chefdom". Here's a couple favorites: The "Sauce Bullet". It's a thermos. The "Line Spoon". Yep. It's a spoon. Personally, in all the places I've worked, I've never actually seen something called a Line Spoon. I have about 2 dozen big, cheap-ass soupspoons I use. Guess I must be missing something. The "Drizzler". You might know them as squirt bottles. The "Tastermate". It's a spork. My personal favorite the"Bonetector". A stainless steel device that clamps on rack bones. Kinda like foil, but fancier. When did all this nonsense come about? When did what we do for barely a living ever become so fucking accesorized? I'm serious! Did it come about the same time that ridiculous rim garnishing shit happened? Seems to me like it did. I'll bet...I'll bet, that if you show me someone in a bright wacky chef's costume, with those goddamned chili peppers on it, I'll show you someone who puts shit on the rim of the plate! And baby chef wear? BABY CHEF WEAR???!! What is that about? Some corporate Mooney who thinks a baby would look "really cute" wearing a cooks outfit?. I think we should find the offspring of these marketing thinkers and force them to spend their lives in kitchens. Think of it..
"I had no idea...(sobbing)...I just thought he would look so cute in that outfit. I just wanted to cater to some (sobbing) neurotic moms!" "I had no idea the chefs would come and take him!!! THEY TOOK MY LITTLE SKYLER THOSE BASTARDS!!!"

What is actually happening to the job of cooking? Has it really become so glamorous? It's pretty much the same as it ever was to me. I must have missed that whole era of the chef thing. I was probably lighting the water heater or pulling out Rockfish guts. Not to mention this minor thing which is why we do WHAT we do. For the food.


Blogger jaxun said...

I have the perfect anti-chef fashion statement for you: spandex biking shorts (black), suspenders (rainbow), wife-beater tee (untucked), and a "Line Sledgehammer" from the Gallagher collection.

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Speaking of rim decorations - I was so disappointed in my favorite cafe the other day. They have this absolutely amazing molten chocolate cake there. It used to simply be served plain on a white dish - and that's all it needed! It was perfect just like that. This last time I ordered one it came with whipped cream and a drizzle of raspberry sauce all around the rim of the plate. What the fuck! I don't need this shit on my plate! It's just distracting from the perfection that is this molten chocolate cake. Their new manager needs to be shot.

10:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I heartily suggest shooting him. Preferably in the face.


11:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There are plenty folks who liek to be zany and have "fun" with their clothes. God knows I work with plenty of them with flames or peppers or whateve the hell else printed on their pants. I'm guilty too. Even if I don't stray from black or houndstooth I almost never wear my jacket, and I cover my hair with a white dew rag.

And you can't really play dumb about the stupid glamour that has infected the minds of restaurant goers. You see it in all the people who want to meet the chef and thank him personally. You see it in the people who refer to food as "art" even though expressing the existential dread of being alone in an uncaring universe with the medium of bluegill is the stupidest idea in the world.

Bailey, bakery bitch

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just have one comment: Quit your fucking whining will you! "Chefs Clothes Suck"," I hate people".

Jesus Christ, do us all a favor, stick your head in a Viking, Wolf or some other gas oven, slice your wrists with a Kyocera ceramic butter knife or move to France.

You are french aren't you?

12:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stick my head in a Viking, I hate Vikings. Cut my wrist with a Kyocera? Those things suck too and they shatter.


12:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw it happening in small doses Bailey, but just for some reason seeing it in such silly quantities really affirmed it. Everything is not about itself. It's all about the garbage that surrounds it.


12:29 PM  
Blogger No, not that one said...

Dear God, it sounds like they bought a closeout of dog groomer gear.

7:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*everything* is being accessorized these days. pisses me off. what you do is about the food, it's not about wearing some fucking clown suit while you do it.

thanks for your crankiness.

8:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know. Isn't it sickening?


9:28 PM  
Blogger Rikibeth said...

okay, I will fess up, I wear bandanas as my head covering. They don't slip around like the floppy toque they issued us in school did, and they are more comfy than baseball caps, and go in the wash besides. And I have a lot of them. In lots of colors.

But I don't pay the chef-catalog prices for them. I buy 'em at the dollar store. That's kind of the point. They're CHEAP. And I am too.

I do have one "wacky" one that I treasure. It has really evil looking skulls on it. I wear it when I am especially crabby as a visual warning, "Do Not Mess With Pissed-Off Cook."

It was still a dollar.

But compared to the "accessorizing" that people expected of me when I worked in offices, I think a stack of different colored bandanas is pretty damn mild.

6:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a glamorous life. Just ask Rocco and Emeril. Nobody ever says I want to be a cook when I grow up.

8:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you loathe this wacky chef's apparel....then don't fucking gripe about it....just ignore the stupid fucking shit. I mean fucking bitch about the most ridiculous things in life.

*Yes...please do us all a favor, and commit suicide, if you hate everything so fucking much*

2:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Commit suicide? You must be really interesting yourself if that is the best advice or comment you can come up with!

7:23 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget the stupid chef's toque as well. This is one of the most asinine apparel of *The Wacky Chef* discourse. *Look, everyone the chef is wearing a *fucking coffee filter* on his head*!! LMAO I mean, who the fuck in their right mind would design a chef's hat to resemble a fucking coffee filter?? Jesus christ, some of the most fatious shit that I have ever seen, also is the immaculate *starchness* of the stupid toque.

Enough to give anyone nightmares!!You know what you should do A.C. is when in the presence of the guests, take off the stupid *Coffee filter* so as not to scare the guests.


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Blogger weemissnaughty said...

hey,moan about what people wear in the kitchen - as long as they look smart and have on the proper things (hat, whites, safety shoes etc) it shouldnt matter? personally i have whites with pink piping and pink buttons... and no its not only for fashion (even tho if i have to wear something 60/70 hours a week i want to actually like it) but when i used to wear "normal" whites i dont kno how many times my buttons "disapeared" and someone else "bought" new ones that day! or people just grabbing the nearest whites to put on - none of the guys wud put on my pink ones lol =o)

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i believe in keeping it simple and where everyone looks uniform. Consistency is paramount!

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